bitsandpieces

January 29

2012-01-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

Wish you were here. Or I was there. All wishful thinking.

Happy birthday.

Stupid

2011-11-30T22:12:00.001+08:00

Why do i always associate myself with complicated people?

mindwanders 1

2011-10-24T13:23:00.000+08:00

Weekend Affair with Theodore

2011-10-24T13:00:00.001+08:00

Theodore and I agreed to spend every other weekend on the road or on a trip This is officially first of our mom and son adventure :D

2011-08-15T16:51:00.004+08:00

never trade what you want at the moment for what matters most and for what would last a lifetime...

augustfifteen '11

fourfiftysix pm

LSS: Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me...

2011-08-15T12:20:00.001+08:00

Young and full of running,

tell me where is that taking me

just a great figure eight

or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing

but a dream that keeps waking me

For all of my trying

we still end up dying;

how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me

'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.

There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running

all the way to the edge of desire.

Steady my breathing, silently screaming

I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired;

think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.

Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis

and find me on yours.

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me

'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.

There, I just said it I'm scared you'll forget about me.

augustfifteen '11

twelvetwentytwo pm

Happy?

2011-08-14T16:12:00.005+08:00

Happiness for me is living a rich, full, meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions, both pleasant and painful.

Negative emotions have evolved for a reason. Fear signals danger. Disappointment teaches you can't always have something just because you want it. Grief forces you to accept. Blame allows you to humble yourself. Then there's sadness, anger, apathy. They may not be pretty, nor popular, but in small doses these negative feelings can be good for you.

You can never really experience happiness until you've felt it's darker twin - sadness. So it's really important to be clear about your definition of happiness.

augustfourteen '11
fourtwenty pm

Take a Load Off!

2011-08-14T10:08:00.008+08:00

an article from Women's Health, August 2011

Dumping your baggage can actually improve your health. "A stressful relationship can have harmful consequences such as sleep problems, depression, high blood pressure, ulcers, anxiety, difficulty with memory and trouble focusing" says neuro-psychiatrist Louann Brizendin e, M.D. High levels of the stress hormone cortisol and figh-or-flight hormone epinephrine contribute to the symptoms.

Severing your ties with a toxic ex is the first step toward reducing your body's stress reaction, but it's also critical not to carry these stressors into your next romance. The good news is that once you've ditched the guy and unloaded the baggage, all the medical issues stemming from the experience will unlikely subside. However, they could come right back if you get into another unhealthy union, so recognize your relationship patterns to prevent a relapse.

Doctor's orders!

Kaya pala hindi na ako nagvevertigo! Hahaha!

augustfourteen '11

tentwelve am

Back to Work!

2011-08-12T08:56:00.005+08:00

Two weeks of being miserable is enough. The pain lingers but it has mellowed three-folds. Am I over? Maybe yes. Maybe no. All i know is i'm not hurting as much as I do before. I will always miss the good times - but those good times are where they are supposed to be - in my treasure chest of memories.

Just like the guy - he is where he is supposed to be.

Done with wallowing in self-incriminated pain. Done with the drama. Done with the sadness.

Sumisikat na ulit ang araw. Sayang ang ganda ng araw kung malulungkot pa ako. Bibili na lang ako halo halo na may ice cream para chill! :)

back to work! back to work!

augusttwelve '11
ninetwelve am

bored and blah

2011-08-08T19:35:00.004+08:00

augusteight '11

sevenfortyfive pm

wishful on a monday

2011-08-08T10:19:00.002+08:00

For me, lifelong love is not all butterflies and rainbows. It's a million ups and downs, with ups far outweighing the downs. It's falling in love over and over again with the same person, each time finding something new to marvel at. It's about honestly liking the future you see with each other.

It's about willingness to share triumphs with that person, the same person you want by your side when things go wrong. It's about looking forward to more days together, while wondering what new inside jokes you'll have. It's about being excited growing old together, witnessing more laugh lines in each other's faces as years go by. It's about sticking it out and accepting each other for the person they are.

Lifelong love is about being together for love, respect and commitment.

augusteight '11
tenthirtyfive am

let me please just breakdown...

2011-08-04T03:57:00.001+08:00

V Day Blues...

2011-02-14T13:01:00.002+08:00

Today just sucks...

This is one of those days when I sorely miss having someone in my life. Someone to celebrate heart's day with, someone whom i can be sweet and loving to without second-guessing where my boundaries are...

Ang pathetic nga eh, i dont want to go out or even mag bukas ng FB, i dont want to see, read, hear couples professing their love for each other, mga cheesy thoughts na sobra nakakakilig, na lalo lang makaka aggravate sa pagself-pity ko. hahaha. ang pathetic ko talaga today.

I guess what's really shove me to this mood is the thought that i want to be in a realtionship pala, na i want to get married din pala. I have been seeing men surprising their lady love with a ring and the 'will you marry me?' question... and believe it or not, i cry my heart out everytime i see/read those moments on tv or magazines... parang ang sarap sarap magmahal. ang sarap to be with the person who is willing to take chance on life with you. someone who's committed to grow old you... someone who'll overcome fear with love, someone who'll overcome fear with the excitement to be with the one they love for the reat of their lives.

Relationships are hard-work, bonds that are work on progress. Pero who really cares what challenges lie ahead as long as kasama mo yung tao na nagcomplete syo? No journey can be more exciting, fulfilling, worth it - than the journey of two people in love.

One day, my prince charming will come. Once day, God will give me what is rightfully mine.

For now, tiis tiis muna. What is 1 day of wishful thinking to 364 days of happy, funfilled, content singlehood?

Happy heart's day everyone!

february fourteen '11
onetwentytwo pm

2011-02-13T07:35:00.002+08:00

I see the couple are walkin` by
Feel like I
Don`t wanna be alone today
So glad no one can see what I hide
Deep inside
How it feels to be
The girl who never gets the right guy
Tell me why
When there`s so much I`ve got to give
I wake up reaching out in the night
Ready to hold him tight
`Til I realize
That nobody is there

When will it be me?
When will I be the one
Somebody`s dreaming of?
When`s it gonna be?
When will I find my heart
Lyin` inside the arms
That never let me go?

I`d really like to know
When will it be me?

My friends seem to have all the love
(Feels like love.)
Knocks on their door and walks right in
I know that I am worthy of what I`ve been wishing for
I can`t wait no more
Love`s nowhere to be found

Feeling his tender touch
(Lying in his arms.)
Talkin` bout forever together
Givin` him all of my love
That`s been trying to break free

Don`t wanna be alone
No more
I`m telling you what I need
I want someone who loves me for me
And when will it be?
Wonder when will it be?

I ask myself
When will it be me?

februarythirteen '11
threethirtythree pm

One Day I'm Gonna Feel Again...

2010-08-30T20:38:00.005+08:00

i believe that in time my heart will heal again
and i believe that in time my heart will feel again
so i keep on holding on
so i keep on being strong

cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again
i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again

i believe that this heart of mine can make it through
and i believe that my heart can make it over you

so i keep on holding on
so i keep on being strong

i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and though it's hard for me to breathe
and even harder to believe

i know that one day i'm gonna find
i'm gonna be just fine
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again

i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again

augustthirty '10
eightfortyfour pm

Tingnan mo nga naman...

2010-08-27T04:41:00.002+08:00

i was expecting years before i recover from the recent HB, pero tingnan mo nga naman... 5 months is all it took. yahoo. woot woot.

in my previous heartbreak it took me 5 friggin years to comprehend the reality of my situation. 5 years before i learned to accept that there are things that cannot be. 5 years of crazy roller-coaster ride...

im just glad that it didnt take me that long in this case. i definitely learned my lessons well. finally, graduate na ako sa high school! :D

im ready for the next level.

so bring it on!

augusttwentyseven '10
fourfiftyone am

Fresh Start...

2010-08-25T17:03:00.004+08:00

saw this article on O mag... just wanted to post to serve as an inspiration and reminder that life indeed moves on... happily and peacefully...

and the decision to do so can only come from within. it's a choice, a vow that i intend to keep no matter what.

"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life...

A frigthening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...

And onward full tilt we go,

pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything,

to make good on a new shore.

To be hopeful,

To embrace one possibility after another -

that surely is the basic instinct...

CRYING OUT LOUD: High tide!

Time to move out into the glorious debris.

Time to take life for what it is..."

Barbara Kingsolver

from High Tide in Tucson

augusttwentyfive '10

fivetwenty pm

one day...

2010-07-09T19:15:00.003+08:00

i want to love again...
pero my heart is broken now, and i have to fix it. i need time to fix it. para pag nagmahal ako ulit, yung buong buo, yung walang limit, all out. the same way i loved ian.

i want to belong again...
pero right now i need time to be with myself, to be myself so that i can be whole again.

i want to free myself again...
i want to be the best person i can be, i want to be the right one for the man i'll be spending my life with. at hindi pa ako yun. i want to free myself of all the hurt and pain i felt for losing ian.

i know it will take time, years probably, before that time comes. but when it comes, when he comes, ill never let him go.

seventwentysix pm
julynine 2010

Tough Day

2010-07-09T10:43:00.003+08:00

this is one of those days when my mind cant rule over the spirit...

i just feel empty. parang wala ng drive, naubos na yung passion. i know this will pass - but for today im letting myself be. i am melancholic. i am depressed. i am frustrated.

and it's welling up inside. sobrang malungkot.

im a firm believer that the best strategy in life is honesty and giving it all you've got -

why?
because you feel better about yourself
you make other people happy
you develop a reputation
you are trusted
and many other...

but sometimes. like today, sobra lang nakakapagod. minsan masarap lang yung you dont have to worry, wala ka gagawin cuz someone is doing the worrying for you, and for a day rescue you from distress and pain...

but yeah that's not how it is. you have to face life as is - without sugarcoat, without silver lining.

and accept that some people are nothing but BS. they drive you crazy, they suck all your energy, and make you feel like worthless in the end.

the world is not fair. but i am be fair to myself, i treat myself with respect - and the world will see me rise above my frailty.

i could use a hug. or kahit isang suha lang.

mamaya ok na ulit ang mundo. ok na ulit ako.

elevenzeronine
julynine 2010

Goodbye..

2010-07-06T11:51:00.001+08:00

All things must end after all.
The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.
Goodbye is as much a necessity as hello.
Step out that door you've been staring at for so long.
Bid farewell to that warm little spot you had with a view to die for.
Close the door behind you.
Dance to a new tune.
Sing another song.
Burn those letters and bury the dried flowers.

because love, bound by contracts or otherwise,
has to end sometime.

julysix 2010
elevenfiftyfive am

Finally free...

2010-07-05T16:23:00.005+08:00

I just closed another chpater of my life...

And I didn't expect it would be this easy. God has His reasons why it has to end...

---------------------------

Blogging has always been my refuge, my treasure chest of memories, good and bad. Every new post provides a sense of liberation, of freedom and of acceptance - I am myself through and through, without being offensive, without being defensive. I just let my feelings, thoughts and emotions out, without thinking how the world would react.

I am writing again to chronicle my new horizon.. my life's travails and journeys. I want to express myself freely, the best way I know how.

One day, my Mr. Big will come, and I want my blog to be my companion until he finds me =D

julyfive 2010
fourfortyfivepm

The Legacy

2010-05-24T09:25:00.002+08:00

When I die,
give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry
Cry for your brothers walking beside you.

If the sun should rise And find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
Put your arms around anyone And give them what you need to give to me.

I want to leave you with something...
Something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people.
And if you cannot live without me,
Then let me live on in your eyes, your mind and your acts of kindness.

You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.

Love does not die - people do...
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...

finally give up waiting

2007-12-11T20:03:00.001+08:00

thanks mhai. you just dont know how thankful i am for your wonderful friendship. you always made sense in the dept i sucked the most.

thanks so much for being impartial. for making me see things on a higher plane. for always pointing to what really matters most.

for the unconditional love. thank u so much.

eighteleven pm
decembereleven 07

letting go... again

2007-12-10T18:38:00.001+08:00

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

-- Author Unknown

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

-- Author Unknown

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.

-- Author Unknown

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

-- Sylvia Robinson

sixfortytwo pm

decemberten 07

lost

2007-12-05T22:04:00.002+08:00

I have been meaning to put down in words all that I am feeling inside. But no words can seem to approximate what I wanted to write.

Just like these words, decisions have been elusive. Fear is taking over. Like some powerful force that no warrior can defeat. Fear of being ditched again, fear of being left behind, fear of being rejected.

There are times when I feel mighty strong, as if I have the world for the taking. Days when his embrace is all that matters. Days that I pray will have no ending.

Then there are days like these. Days when I feel most coward. Days when I wallow in self-pity and binge in pain. Days when I’m flooded with questions. Days when I drown in confusion.

Just to set the record straight, he is one of the best blessings God gave me. He had been a constant source of inspiration and happiness. When I’m with him, the world stops, and turns into a paradise where peace of mind and love overflows. I learned a lot from him. He taught me things to make me a better person.

But when reality sets in, everything comes crashing apart.

I feel all alone. What should I do? Where should I go?

Can somebody just please take me home?
(samahan na din ng 6pcs nuggets at fries with mayo)

ninetwentyfour am

decemberfive 07

japan

2007-11-26T12:44:00.002+08:00

i probably read it all wrong. akala ko kasi, the reason why he's back is because narealize nya na mahal nya ako. eh shunga pala ako for thinking that way eh.

a high grade in pshycho doesnt guarantee you of interpreting things right. dpat talaga pala kay madam auring ako nag OJT, bka sakaling may napala ako.

sige, sige. pupunta na lang ako sa Japan, malaki kita mga entertainer dun di ba?

kesa naman dito. haay. maalikabok pa.

isang beses pa, yvette, at ikaw na pinaka engot na nilalang sa buong face ng earth.

hmmp. makauwi na nga. sayang ang oras ko.

twelvefiftytwo pm
novembertwentysix 07

hopeless

2007-10-22T19:09:00.002+08:00

naiiyak na ako sa katangahan ko. bakit ba andito na naman ako. can somebody please inject some sense into my head?

im so tired.
im so tired of being just an option.
im so tired of being just someone else.

i want someone better.
i deserve someone better.
i deserve someone better.

hush, heartbroken me. you'll be fine.

Fifay, bilis na, bigyan mo ako ng boylet.

seventhirteen pm
octobertwenty 07

Free To Choose

2007-10-22T08:02:00.002+08:00

This was sent by my Boss when I need the message the most:

In his book Nobody’s Victim, Christopher J. McCullough explains, "In order to live your freedom, you must first accept reality. ‘These are the choices, and given those choices, which do I choose?’ Whether the option you select is pleasant or painful does not alter the fact that, given reality, this is your preference.

"To live your freedom, it is helpful to stop and ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing this?’ and then notice whether, given the options, you are choosing what you really want, or whether you want to choose something else.... Sometimes the exercise of freedom involves naming your poison -- all choices may lead to outcomes that are in some way painful. But the real pain is that of feeling powerless -- denying your freedom."

"Freedom is man's capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mold ourselves."
-- Dr. Rollo May

"Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility."
-- Sigmund Freud

This is a prompt answer from above.

eightzerofive AM

octobertwentytwo 07

kilig days are here again...

2007-10-16T11:20:00.001+08:00

state of cheeks: B L U S H I N G
state of heart: doing somersaults
state of emotion: zenith
state of mind: afraid but hoping
state of foreign affairs: no foreign bodies found (hahaha)

sana lang di na ako magretreat this time.

oh well. kilig days are here again. ilang araw kya ito....

twelvezerofour am
octobersixteen 07

when it rains, it pours

2007-10-15T11:27:00.003+08:00

*sigh*

- my grandma was diagnosed with the big C. that alone turned my world upside-down.

- lost my wallet, with all my id's and some cash. pero di un ang badtrip. ung unang letter ng anak ko for me was there. plus some really old letters from the past. haay.

buti na lang, umaaraw na.

eleventhirtyone am
octoberfifteen 07

isang gabi sa Valero...

2007-09-22T09:16:00.002+08:00

todo shoot ng mga taong walang magawa...

ninetwentyseven am
septembertwentyone 07

my main man

2007-09-04T00:55:00.000+08:00

siya lang talaga. wala nang iba.

septemberfour 07

twelvefiftyeight am

Revel Without a Cause

2007-08-28T00:55:00.002+08:00

I revel in love…

I’ve been heartbroken twice and each left me bruised and battered. It is much easier to just stay away from another potential heartbreak and remain despondent, but what is life without risks? My faith has restored and redeemed my almost-hapless view on love. I will throw caution to the wind, and love recklessly as if pain doesn’t exist. I will soak in insanity and delirium, and get drown in amorous sensation – when I feel I’m ready to.

For now I have a potent romance with love- for work, friends, family, myself and to the sacred source.

I revel in singlehood...

Being single is my declaration of independence. It paved way for a convenient lifestyle, of being carefree and doing things on my own. It provided me with a new perspective and enthralled me with endless opportunities. However, being single, and a mother at that, entails huge responsibility and a good-head on top of my shoulder. There’s no hit or miss. Or else my kid has to suffer the consequences of my actions with me. And that’s the least I hope for. No complaints, though. I am living the life. I love being single. I know I’ll settle down one day. But until then I like it this way – my way.

I revel in challenges…

A lot has come my way: each demanding the best of me. There were instances when battling logic isn’t enough to comprehend the reality of a situation. There were times that I almost give up and lost hope. However, in every challenge I encounter, I never lose, I gain. I become better after each hurdle. I learned that even if we cannot change the reality of a situation, we can always choose our responses. And that is what separates us from the weak.

I revel in uncertainty…

I rarely worry on what tomorrow will bring. It can be scary when you don’t know what’s going to happen. But trying to predict outcomes or the future can sabotage our peace of mind. I learned to take each day at a time because I was told that the essence of our lives is in this moment, in the present. I live my life the way I know best and go on each day like it’s the last. Yeah, I still feel the fear in me but I go on anyway. It’s okay not to know because exploration is how we grow. It’s okay not to know the answers because most of the time, it’s the question that matters.

I revel in optimism…

Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear. What more our lives? A focus on goodness can not only change our lives, but perhaps the world. Optimism breeds optimism. Happiness breeds happiness. Emotions like love, gratitude and appreciation make us more expansive: we reach out to help others, and find creative solutions to problems. Good, positive feelings are self-reinforcing. When we are optimistic, we can’t help but flourish. Optimism creates heaven on earth.

I revel at everything that comes my way. I keep the good ones; discard the bad. But nonetheless treasure all of it.

I revel at how good my life is. I don’t care even if to others’ standards I don’t have enough. Because I think and live otherwise.

I am complete. I am contented. I am happy. I am not lucky. I am overblessed. No string of good lucks can sustain these.

twelveten am

augusttwentyeight 07

baby-no-more

2007-07-24T10:55:00.002+08:00

I am being melodramatic again. I was browsing through my boy’s pictures and, how time flies! He is all grown up now. Slowly leaping out of my shadow and starting his own less-mom-world.

There are nights that I would just stare at his peacefully-asleep face. Or times I would tightly hug him, as if my hugs can prevent him from growing up. Days that I’ll miss out on work just to be mom the whole day. Weekends where we just rode buses and go out of town.

My son defines me. He is the measure of my success. Nothing matters in this world if not for Teej. True to his name, Theodore, he is a divine gift and so much more. He shielded me from sulking after a heartbreak; he provided inspiration when everything’s gone awry; he is God’s sunshine on dark and miserable days; he supplies me with gnawing laughter; he is my companion when I feel alone, my date on Valentine’s day, my masseuse when I’m weary, my prince charming on bad-hair-days. He rescued me numerous times from falling apart. It’s from him I experienced unconditional love. No matter how messed-up or f*cked-up I am, he stayed and accepted me without compromise. Next to God, Teej is the reason why I am the person that I am today.

A thousand days from now, he’ll be venturing into the same world that slashed pains, defeats and losses on me. I am apprehensive but, at the same time, confident that my son will come out of every challenge wiser. After all, only test of fire makes fine steel. I just have to rely on the principles we have instilled in him. I am a hundred and ten percent sure that his faith in God will lead him to thousand victories – in various forms. And be the best he can be.

I continue to better myself because that is what love is all about – striving to be the best person you can become for those whom you love. I am imperfect and would always be. But if there’s one thing I’m surely proud of, it’s providing an environment conducive for my son to achieve potential development. And if there’s one thing I’m best at – it’s motherhood, through and through.

tenfiftyeight am
july2007

woohoo!

2007-05-24T23:18:00.002+08:00

The Starbucks guy just talked to me!!!!

Just when I thought im over with my delirium phase. Geez, I swear I was blushing. My heart skipped a beat and has gone berserk. I didnt even answer his question right. Darnit! Darnit!

Well, he just made my day!

doobeedoodoo.hmmmm.

eleventwentyfour pm
maytwentyfour 07

contagious

2007-05-19T23:50:00.002+08:00

"In battle, a courageous spirit is everything. I attacked when their(enemies' spirit) was gone and ours was at its height. Hence our victory. The value of a whole army- a mighty host of million men- is dependent on one man alone: such is the influence of the spirit!"

Ts'ao Kuei
protege' of Duke Chang of Lu

elevenfiftyseven pm
maytwenty 07

In Mourning

2007-05-19T23:30:00.002+08:00

It is with a heavy heart that I am leaving my hometown. My father lost in the elections. And I am mourning not his defeat but the people’s hope.

My father had long turn his back from politics. We surmised that he is too sincere to be in a battlefield of scheming opponents. And he felt that it’s not worthy to put his family’s safety and lives on the line.

Men and women alike were sobbing when the results came in. We fought a clean and straight fight, which makes it more unbearable. For more than a month, people shared their resources, volunteered their time and hardwork. Our goal is to fight and eradicate vote-buying, at least in our place.

My father is no big name in politics. I don’t even think his name landed on any national papers. But he has help changed countless lives for the better. He made his mark by offering honest and sincere friendship to the people who extended their hands for help. A lot of times he lacks financial resources but he made sure that he is with them at the most crucial and trying times.

I had always wanted a quiet life. Since I only have a son to take care of, I plan on retiring early. I am planning to build a nice house on the farm with complete amenities, and read, write and watch movies until my dying days. But it all changed.

I will work my ass off to save enough money to build a foundation for these people. I don’t want fishes on their table, what I want is to help them learn to fish. I want to help the children realize and attain their goals. I want our town achieve prosperity and independence. In my own little way, I know I can make a difference.

I am going to make this work. . . However small my contributions will be, I am going to make this work. And I am not going to wait until tomorrow. I am definitely going to make a difference.

Victory is relative. It depends on how we see and interpret things. I’d say, we lost in numbers but we definitely won loyal friends.

For that we are far VICTORIOUS than anyone else.

fourtwentyeight am

mayseventeen 07

ohh, sweetness

2007-04-30T02:04:00.001+08:00

Work as if you don't need money

Love as if you've never been hurt

Dance, as if nobody can see you

Sing, as if no one can hear

Live, as if the Earth was a heaven

image from devianart/winter and wolf

twozeronine am
aprilthirty 07

I am an Elle Woods

2007-04-29T22:34:00.004+08:00

Well, I'm no Reese Witherspoon. Neither a Harvard Law graduate, nor a blonde. But I have been discriminated against too. Not for being a blonde, but for being an unwed mother.

People don't say it straight to my face. But definitely they do behind my back. My ex-boyfriend won't even introduce me to his family because of my excess baggage. He made up some sugar-coated stories before he can tell his family about my, well, hideous past. He would highlight and exaggerate my accomplishments to win his family's approval. He made it a point to introduce me as the Cum Laude girlfriendf, the Law student girlfriendf but failed to let the 'real' girlfriend shine.

I also had a friend whose mother judged my whole being just because I am a single parent. Who blamed me, one way or other, for her daughter's untimely pregnancy.

I have been imprisoned by my fear of rejection, of not being taken seriously since I assume the status of a single parent. I, if not all unwed mothers, have been stereotyped as an easy lay. Men would actually pick single mothers for casual relationships. After a good sex, they can just leave you and expect you not to run after them. As if we don’t have any right, even to self-preservation.

I have been strict and hard on myself. I have consciously repressed myself of spontaneity, starved from spur-of-the-moments' foolishness. I am very reserved (not lady-like), a homebody, i didn't do booze(until recently), didn't smoke. I didn't even try weed, for the life of me. Well, I'm not saying that liberation means doing drugs. It's just that when I look back, nothing remarkable, off top-of-my-head, or even a singled-out instance of folly can surface. Nada. It's all goody-good. Or else people might think lowly of me.

I got knocked-up when I was nineteen, gave birth at 20, out of whatever relationship with my baby's father 3 years after. I morphed myself to a hermit by staying home just to make sure the baby is well taken care of. I stayed up countless nights to watch him sleep and made sure no harm come his way. I raised my kid alone. Well, with a lot of help from my family, but I did the working. i made sure there was milk for the baby, that he has nice clothes to wear, made sure that he goes to the best school I can afford. He learned taekwondo, played socceer, enrolled him to singing lessons. I bought and read books to him, bought him toys. But more than anything I made sure he was happy, smiling, warmth and loved. If you think that's easy, then think again.

As if raising a child is not enough, I also have to make sure I am well-kept. I was practically just out of the crib when all these happen. I am not even done with college when I had my son. Imagine staying up the whole night before attending your classes at 8am the following morning. Imagine doing my homework while breastfeeding the baby. Imagine senior year without any night-outs, without gimmicks.

I didn't stop there, just to continiously prove my worth, I went to Law school. I conquered Manila, looked for work. I started from the bottom of the Call Center Industry. The very first company I went even said I'm not good enough. I worked my way up to where I am today. It’s not that where I am is worth bragging. But it's all hard work and heartaches, i tell you.

It was all fear in the beginning. Fear of society's impression, of society's standards. Not anymore. I have long realized that the world won't stop from my sentiments. That I am entitled to the same rights accorded to other mighty people. I stood up because I deserve all the good things in life. I rescued myself back because my son deserves a responsible mother. Because we both deserve a nice place in this world. And nothing, or no one, can ever put me down. I owe it to myself, and to my God, why I am still here and nobody else.

People can say anything they want, they are entitled to their opinions like I am. Men can think that I am an easy lay for all they want. But never will allow fear get the better of me again. I will be mindless of society's criticism. What's important is I am a better person. I don't step on others' people shoes.

I have learned that the cardinal rule is to live life with passion, courage of conviction and strong sense of self. Everything else comes second.

If others think being an unwed, single parent is a disadvantage, well think again. For me it is power. Sheer power.

Geez, I feel like a superhero.

Perfect Day

2007-04-21T15:22:00.000+08:00

There she stumbles
Falling to her knees
I think she tripped on reality
I have witnessed tragic comedies
That's the world in which she leads
Well I would walk a million miles
To give her all that she needs
But she would walk a million more
To do what she believes
She'll have a perfect day
Troubles blooming
Innocence now fades
But still she's dry through all the rain
There's no purpose
She has yet to crave
She's like the big dog on parade
Well I would walk a million miles
To give her all that she needs
She would walk a million more
To do well as she pleased
She had a perfect day
I can't figure this one out
I've no words here to explain
She'll just sugar kiss me off
She'll just have another perfect day

threetwentysix pm
apriltewntyone 07

work it out

2007-03-15T11:36:00.002+08:00

Getting by and climbing up to higher life levels, require building new emotional muscles.
And just like with muscle growth, I would have to always feel the pain before I can see growth.

I feel this pain first hand -- and first heart.
Like the last time I broke up with an unsatisfying paramour
... in hope of finding a highly satisfying paramour.

Well, it as not until much later that I realized that this pain led to my emotional growth.

It just took time to build it. Darnit.

I just have to remind myself to remind myself
that the next time I feel emotional pain that I am LUCKY.
Because I am getting stronger.

Things are indeed improving --- although a lot of times, I don't see it right away.

It's like when your home is getting painted and it looked its utmost worst.
Total chaos.
However, underneath the chaos was RENOVATION IN MOTION.

And now because I am aware that painting action was leading to a more beautiful home-
I can start to relax,
to breathe easily,
to smile a bit,
accepting the chaos around me.

Life's messy areas are simply areas under construction.

Just like the painting process, my life's improvement process can't be rushed.
I can't paint on a wet coat.
I have to wait for it to dry, otherwise I'll keep on painting and painting and get nowhere.

Sometimes, we have to create our own good luck.
Be proactive - and even pre active.
We all must know when it's time to stop sitting around and relaxed,
you know, waiting for things to just happen~
instead, stand up and take life by the shirt collar.

I alone decide on my own the level of love and money and happiness I attract to myself.
So should you.

elevenfortyfive am
marchfifteen 07

cryinforhelp

2007-03-15T11:26:00.000+08:00

I am breaking into pieces...

Everything seems to be falling apart right now.

I have been fighting for that last strand of sanity, of hope.

But the crisis im in is like a quick sand, gulping me fast to darkness.

A lot has been going on,

and I am having a hard time not to get affected.

I always shielded my self with optimism and faith,

but both seemed to be failing me.

I dont wan't to go back to those days when my heart is as cold as stone.

Days when hatred reign my life.

Days when I wallow in misery.

I want my heart to beat with love.

I want my life filled with hope.

I want my hands throb with compassion.

I want to see through.

I hope my faith sees me through.

Oh God, please give me more strength

Help me, please help me.

I am crying out for your help.

I know you have bigger plans for me than what I have for myself

You love me more than I love you

And that is reason enough, my Lord, to raise my hand upon you to save me.

Everything else will fail. But not you.

I will see through because of you.

eleventhirtyone am
marchfifteen 07

I believe

2007-03-12T21:21:00.002+08:00

I believe...

* That money is a lousy way of keeping score
* That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be

I believe...

* That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best of time
* That no matter how good a friends is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that
* That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help
* That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love

I believe...

* That your life can be changed in matter of hours by people who don't even know you
* That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different
* That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do
* That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the one's to help you back up

I believe...

* That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel
* That either you control your attitude or it controls you
* That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself
* That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel

* That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are always responsible for who we become

I believe...

* That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they didn't love you with all they have
* That people you care about most in life is taken from you much too soon
* That you should leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them

I believe...

* That no matter how bad your heart s broken, the world doesn't stop from your grief

* That heroes are the people who do what has to be done, regardless of the consequences
* That maturity has more to do with types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated

I believe...

* That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever
* That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being
* That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be
* That we all can keep on going, long after we think we can't

ninethirteen pm

marchtwelve 07

rants&raves

2007-03-10T06:14:00.002+08:00

R A V E S

bonding time with my kiddo - never knew how grown up he was until our small talk over dinner
business as usual in the office
done with the annual report - wooohooo!
Jinggay's promotion to QA and her training abroad - so proud of u bunsoy! u more than deserve what's coming your way! genuinely happy for you!
had a long, peaceful sleep
playtime with my niece
long walks with Rej - mas masarap sya kausap outside the office
chit chat with an ex flame - felt odd talking with him. tingles? zilch
my cute red shoes
massages
movie marathons!
good books

R A N T S

slow internet connection
inaccessible mPublic drive - driving me nuts. for real.
bulges. cellulites. increasing weight.
whiners in the office - *** zips mouth ***
fight with my brother - emotionally exhausting.

just another blissful, worthwhile day.....

BaCK to bASiCs...

2007-02-25T08:56:00.001+08:00

i am taking the bus again, goodbye cabs and the humongous fare...
i am avoiding Starbucks (um, trying still), even if it meant not seeing 'him'...
i am taking long walks again, even under the scorching heat (cm'on)...
i am starting to cook meals at home,um, the last one sits frozen in the fridge...
i am stargazing again, which i enjoy very much...
i am spending more alone time now, daydreaming, if not sleeping...
i am watching movies at home more, i realized that good movies are cute little treasures..
i am trying to find time to cross-stitch, though to no avail, but i will, i know...
i leave the office on the dot, to rest and spend time on the 'real world'...

i am appreciating life more. actually, i can't appreciate it enough...

ninetwelve am
februarytwentyfive 07

overdose

2007-02-20T18:20:00.002+08:00

bored
lazy
couch-potato
drifter
comatose
dilatory
heavy-footed
idle
unattentive
binge
spree
nibble
chagrin
chow
devour
gorge
slurp
catnap
sleep
dull
tedious

aaaaaaahhhhhhh.
shut up.

sixtwentysix pm
februarytwenty 07

In a nutshell...

2007-01-14T00:42:00.002+08:00

I am a difficult person. There's just so much that people can see. I may be transparent when it comes to emotions, but that’s just it.

I can never look good on a sexy dress, or a lingerie. I'm more comfy in PJ's and in bikini briefs. Regardless of how feminine I feel I still exude a boyish charm... the kind that comes from within, from being stubborn, head strong and dauntless. But that doesnt mean I am genuinely strong, cuz Im really not.

I'm just good in building facade, putting up walls as my defense from anything compromising. Never will I compromise my freedom, my individuality and my space. I can only share it for a period of time...not for keeps, or else I'll die. Constant invasion will get in my nerves then sooner or later i'll take it against the person that my independence is being threatened big time. I'll diss the person immediately then crawl back to my walled-world to self exile.

I am passionate with my work, with reading, learning and being a daughter, sister and a mother. I am passionate about a lot of things never with commitment. I get my dosage of kilig-moments from movies or going to Starbucks to get a glimpse of my flavor-of the-week amore. I'm not comfortable in a big crowd, unless it's in the office. I thrive on solitary confinement, on my own. I know how to listen, I empathize, I help in my own way at the same time maintain distance. Ecclectic than eccentric. Distant than passive.

I probably have to see a psychologist to help me sort things out. But why would I see a psychologist? This is exactly how i want to live my life. I have become patient toward all that is unresolved in my heart, and learned to love the questions themselves. I've become comfortable with uncertainties - i might be jobless tomorrow, i might get married next week, so what? I've come to grips with the unpredictable. This is exactly the beauty in the unknown.

Exactly the same reason why i dont cling to friends, I dont give that much thought about money, why I digress most of the time and why I'd rather grow old and single. Not to protect myself but to protect other people whom I might get attached with. They might never understand that I equate life with freedom and freedom with doing things at any moment I so desire. I do not want complications. I let things be. Well, I let the status quo be, is more like it. This way I don’t sabotage my peace of mind.

My life isnt perfect but im just fine... happy to be confused, happy to grieve, happy that i get lonely at times, happy to prove that a higher being is carefully watching over me. Happy to know, even im stoic, that emotions still exist in my heart.

What I realized just now is even if we cant change the reality of a situation, we can always choose our response. The wise know when to be proactive and when to let things be. When we stop trying to control life - and other people - doors open, miracles unfold, and the world is more hospitable. The path of least resistance leads to happiness.

Well, I enjoy every minute of this catatonia, insanity, episode or whatever people may call this. For me, this would always be me, the way I chose my life to be.

oneten am
januaryeight 07

Relieved. Revived. Reborn.

2007-01-06T01:15:00.002+08:00

I suddenly realized that I am done and over with the guy. I have quarantined myself since October and shunned from the outside world. Every time I try to recuperate from pain caused by the guy, I seek comfort from friends. Not this time. I have learned that surrounding yourself with people/friends, painting the town red after a heartbreak creates an illusion of recovery. A make believe that you're on your way to fast healing. But not really. Everything will come rushing back when you're on your own. Because all the while what you have is fabricated redemption.

So, I decided to face and bore the misery on my own. I wallowed days and nights in affliction. I cried tons of tears. Battled logic just to understand why I'm in this situation.

Until one day, on New Year's day, I swiftly woke up feeling liberated from misery.

All this time, I have made a complete fool of myself. It wasn't him whom I wanted. I was fiercely holding on to the past and forcing it in the now. I made myself believe that he's all I needed.

Yes, he's all I needed - to give up.

Without him - i laugh, i breathe, i have fun, i earn, i stargaze, i enjoy solitary confinement, i learn, i conquer, i gain new friends, i rekindle old friendships, i live.

Because without him, I AM ME.

threethirtyeight am
januaryfive 07

Spoofed

2006-12-22T03:54:00.000+08:00

Temple Bar - Xmas Party pix

blab

2006-12-03T19:32:00.002+08:00

rotten.

after 10 long friggin days, i finally had my rest day yesterday. pilitan pa yan ha. ayoko sana talaga mag stay sa house. its just downright eerie and asphyxia-inducing surrounding. no, there are no ghosts or whathaveyou's, its a reaction that creeps out every time im alone. im positive, my condition has turned into a full blown disease = wrenched-heart disease.

anyway, im not to talk about that unwanted, infamous topic.

i spent the whole day on bed yesterday. if not reading a book, im in front of my computer tweaking some things. then back to bed again. oh yeah, i was able to clean my room. then to bed again. hehehe. lazy head.

i downloaded some songs that made me cry. a lot. love songs never help in mending a crabby heart. that im very certain now. my paps use to tell me not to listen to love songs cuz it'll make me wobbly and gullible. he's flat out right.

today.

long day for me today, i woke up a little too early, with nothing to do. i read some blogs. i ate. then watched tv. then ate. read a book. then back to bed. surf. shower. bed. computer. bed. my body is rejecting the idea of rest, or the concept of relaxation. it has turned into a 24/7 machine. got this funny feeling that my body will never be the same again. unless im totally, flat out tired, my mind will remain awake. pati mata ko di na yata marunong pumikit. oh yeah, last night, i was only able to sleep when i sat on a chair, thew my feet at an elevated table, and viola! im off to dreamland! weird? no. my body has gotten accustomed to sleeping on chairs/cabs and has associated sleep with force.

well, long day is over and im getting ready for the office! wow! how i miss the office. its addicting. and im addicted.

outta here.

eightzerotwo pm
decemberthree 06

Dope on a Rope

2006-12-02T18:29:00.003+08:00

All too often fear stops me from going where I need to go...

Fear works like interfere(fear) for me- it stops me from getting what I want and need. And all too often most of us have to be at the end of our own ropes to be tempted to move through our fear, and go for the unfamiliar, the unknown, to CHANGE.

I am on that crossroad now. Because if I keep on doing what Ive been doing, then Ill keep getting what Ive always been getting.

I'm not confident venturing into the unknown and unfamiliar. I cant seem to kick the habit off rolling back to him. I can't even date, not ever an option for me. I'm afraid of the whole getting-to-know-you stage. Afraid and exhausted, I guess. I don't even give a slight care if there are other men out there hugely better than this guy. All I know is that he is the one my heart is yearning for.

See, I know whats wrong with me. I SIMPLY JUST CANT ESCAPE MY SUICIDE ROPE...

------------------

One of my books has a direct answer to my nonsense, it says:

" You must courageously break the habit of your habits(huh? easier said than done), or every year you will be doomed to live out: Same shit. Different outfit.

The style of your clothes may change, but the style of your circumstances won't.

Yeah, right. Whatever.

-------------------

Wake up, Yvette! You've been asleep far too long.

sixfortythree pm
decembertwo 06

give me liberty or death will consume me...

2006-12-02T18:15:00.002+08:00

After almost a month of trying to kill myself working, I'm here at home, alone, lonely again. His memories are lurking inside my head, they seem to invite me to misery. Gnawing. Echoing. They won't let me sleep, robbing me off my peace of mind.

Why do I always have to end up suffering? I don't know what to do anymore. Somebody please help me.

---------------------

Im cleaning my shelf and noticed that my recently-bought books are all about how to be happy... I wonder why? Honestly, I am happy at how my professional life is taking me. I am happy because I am able to help out my family and we are strongly-bonded than ever. I am happy because my son has grown taller, with strong values at an early age. I am happy cuz my sister is looking happier and excited at her about-to-be-lovelife. I am happy because I have Mhai and Rej all the time. Kahit na nakakamatay sa kakulitan si Rej, she's one person who wouldn't leave me hanging. I am happy cuz God loves me and pushes me to learn more about life.

But why am I in misery? I just want to go home... Where? I fuckin don't know.

--------------------

Id probably see movie later or else id die of suffocation being alone. I literally cant breathe. Darn.
I need to inject some sense into my head.

---------------------

This whole thing is like a venom, continiously intoxicating my body. Strangling me to immobility and eventually to death... That is if I am not dead yet.

sixnineteen pm
decembertwo 06

slacking off

2006-11-01T10:00:00.000+08:00

way of the world....

2006-10-29T22:38:00.001+08:00

Love deeply and passionately.
You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

Aaaargh.

tenthirtynine pm
octoberthirty 06

Some guys have all the luck...

2006-10-26T20:32:00.000+08:00

Honestly, this is I how feel

eighttwentyeight pm
octobertwentysix '06

Circles

2006-10-26T18:50:00.002+08:00

This is officially the 4th day... of trying to run away.. again.

We just decided to hold off whatever it is that we have. Ive literally buried myself with work. I only go home to tidy myself then Im off to the office again. I can't stand the silence, the eerie feeling of being alone.I don't want to be reminded of our last rendezvous. And that nothing else will follow.

For more than three years, Ive been fighting this emotion off. Ive been in constant battle with myself... Yeah I love the guy, but he is not the one for me.

Why cant my shallow heart seem to comprehend that simple fact?

This is so unhealthy and unproductive. A part of me had been left hanging and immobile. A part that doesn't want to let go...

I am hoping that this will be it. No turning back for me. Im done with being lonely and blue. Im done with just being an option. I deserve someone better...

sixfortyone pm
octobertwentysix '06

makeupurmind

2006-10-21T01:24:00.002+08:00

I've always been vocal that being single is my choice. If only I wanted to settle, I could've gotten married way, way back. But there's something in a relationship that I cannot sustain. Thus, my decision to stay unattached.

Rationalization has become my ultimate defense. It has become so handy that I cant come up with a decision without rationalizing. No,things doesn't normally turn out the way I planned or the way I anticipate, but this piece of mechanism here has proven to be a perfect liaison....

No wait, the earth is moving again! Darnit!

This is the second earthquake for the night! And I am still blogging! Worse come to worst, we will be trapped in this building. Helpless and all.

That's it, that blew my toughts.

Well, yeah, I'm single by choice, but wishes otherwise.

Outta here.

onefortyfour am
octobertwentyone '06

The Return

2006-10-19T19:26:00.001+08:00

Why the heck do I have to chage my template everytime I get back from hiatus?! Darn!

Nways. I'm blogging again. =)

------------------------------------------

I should be getting ready for office now. But I can't seem to kick my butt off the bed! Darnit! I spent the whole day in bed, tossing and turning. That's solid 14 hours of doing nothing. Yet, I can't make self get up and take a shower.

Im stinking. I have cobwebs all over. I am too tired to go to the office.

So what if I have a new nice, shiny table? ..... Wait, no, I have to go to work, have to see my new office. So I can scratch the table, probably carve my name somewhere.....

See. Im not making sense. Blame it on the spiders!

Outta here.

sevenfortyeight pm
octobernineteen '06

nth time

2006-08-20T02:01:00.001+08:00

when will i learn?

blunt

2006-07-30T00:24:00.001+08:00

just feeling melancholic over the guy again. never ending cycle.

twofiftyeight am

Jensen

2006-07-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely Incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There is nothing else to lose
There is nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world that could change my mind
There is nothing else...
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you...

twelveeigtheen am

guess what...

2006-06-18T05:09:00.001+08:00

yeah, im never predictable.

i might have dance down the street on my way to work, gaze in the eyes of a complete stranger and speak of love at first sight, or defend a totaly absurd idea.

i am not afraid to weep over anciant sorrows or feel joy at new discoveries. when i feel the moment has arrived, i drop everything and goes off on some new adventure. and when i realize i cant do no more, i abandon the fight without remorse or guilt.

never will i blame myself for having committed some unexpected acts of folly because this is me. and this is what makes me free.

fivezeroseven am

good riddance

2006-06-15T04:46:00.001+08:00

Away from it all.....

That's my present elation. After more than two years of burying myself in work... after all the pressure my mind and body bore... after all the toxicity.... Im finally FREE!

Dont get me wrong. Those two years spent with Convergys were the rosiest to date in my employment history. Met the best people around. Had the extensive- est of training and hands-on experience. Was exposed to the monstrosity of Customer Service- all the dealings with fancy trimmings. But I dont feel like doing it anymore. That's why this...

----------------------------------------------

For two weeks, Ive planted myself to bed. I slept til I cant sleep anymore. Ive also engage myself to a new diet - carbo loading! Hahahaha. Seems Ive gained a handful of pounds. Dont care anyway. All I feel is my body deserves to binge and wallow in sinful pleasures.

After all Im about to embark on a new challenge- a new job! No amount of adjective can equate my excitement. New people. New place. New culture. Cant wait til I get my hands back on the deck!

-------------------------------------------

One Yvette fact confirmed - I am never predictable!

I am free spirited; I do whatever I fancy at my own sweet time.

Many have their eyebrows arching when I opted to leave the company. They thought Ive gotten mad. Some even tried injecting sense into me. Cmon, for crying out loud, I know what I am doing....

-------------------------------

In all my undertakings, I am always after the lessons learned. Cuz, for me, position and promotions are in no way the measure of my success. Those are just icing on the cake. What I take pride on is the person I become every after endeavor. I get better each time.

forfiftyseven am

resigned

2006-06-05T09:33:00.001+08:00

ive just handed my resignation letter to my boss! this is for real, man. no turning back... i didnt give it much thought i know. didnt even have to drop a coin to come up with a decision. i want out- thats all i know. ive probably saturated my self, strained and pushed way over my limit that i cant even stand another day in this darkened office. i need to breathe and bathe in a new place- my body thirts for change. well. change is good.

-----------------------------------------------

as much as i want to spend more time with my team, i would have to clean my desk and pack my things and bid a really quick goodbye. i cant stand leaving them. i feel im being self-centered, insensitive dork in coming up with this drastic move. hell. these people depended so much on me; stayed and fought battles with me. xxxxxxxxx. not easy. im having nose bleed.

--------------------------------------------------

"......it's alright, I'm OK I think God can explain.
I believe I'm the same I get carried away
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed I'll get over it yet...."

ninethirtyfive am

junefive 06

changes

2006-05-27T17:15:00.003+08:00

was checking my blog page the other day when i decided that it needed a face lift. the old one was so goody boring that it doesnt fit my jagged life anymore. i actually want it to be more apt- i played with new skins and colors, but im out of time since im i was in the office dodging my time away. my initial plan of getting a neat blog page turned out to be a second rate copy cat.....

---------------------------------

a very lot happened since i last post an entry here. i was promoted(again). i moved to another digs(again. well, this is more likely to be "home"). im with a new set of friends(they showed the naughtier me). i tried smoking(now im to see my doctor because im palpitating). ive tried booze(one bottle is all it takes to knock me down). im contemplating of moving to another less-famous company because im so fed up w/ stress in the office. im planning to go back to school. so many things i want to do that earning money seems second best. ive saved some for my kid's education. got some from my inheritance. i think it would be enough to cover for us for the next few years.

-------------------------------

i am enjoying life more than i used to. ive realized so many things. i am learning to compartamentalize. some nights, when im deep in thought, i feel im transforming to a bitch. but bitch had i been all along. and yes ill be a full blown bitch in the coming days. nyehehehe.

fiveforty pm

maytwentyseven 06

ramblings on my 50th entry

2006-03-26T10:21:00.001+08:00

50 incoherent and digressive top-off-my-head litany-

1. I am so dead-tired
2. coffee, coffee!!!
3. Green Chucks
4. need to get a pedicure
5. massage
6. bills, bills, bills!!!
7. Mhai- will miss u, mu. ;(
8. Rainy days
9. Tagaytay
10. to stargaze
11. Mango jeans
12. new cellphone
13. nine west flats
14. bags
15. swimming
16. will go to Boracay next2 week
17. but im not really up for it....
18. BUT its Nelo's bday
19. and i have to be there
20. DARN
21. coffee, coffe, coffee!
22. aeroplane
23. my sis will be flying back to Manila
24. how i miss her!!!
25. release
20. relax
21. sleep
22. good laughs
23. long chats
24. haywire sched
25. GRYPHONS!
26. teamwork
27. motivation
28. pressure
29. conflicts
30. my heart is broken to pieces again....
31. why cant he just leave me alone?!!
32. marriage
33. bondage
34. compromise
35. jeopardy
36. im better off alone
37. yeah, right
38. why the hell am i disprited?
39. and broken?
40. love is what i need
41. am i capable of loving still?
42. friends
43. family
44. challenges
45. spark
46. blessings
47. answered prayer
48. free soul
49. free
50. victory is mine

ninethirtythree pm

copied

2006-03-08T15:37:00.000+08:00

my personal dna result

thanks, scott!

HUH

2006-02-08T19:25:00.001+08:00

ME-

physically exhausted
emotionally drained
mentally burned out
spiritually helpless

Deeply troubled
Deeply distressed
Deeply ashamed
Deep uncertainty

BUT BLESSED. period.

seventwentyseven pm

this world is eating me up

2006-02-01T17:52:00.001+08:00

Its against my will to stay, but here I am still at way past 5pm, sittin in front of my computer. Aren't I suppose to be on my way home? Ive tons of work to do, and I definitely dont know where to start. In fact I do... but geeez. The mess on my table is as crappy as the city's dumpsite. And its not helpin any bit. Is this an almost-30 syndrome?

Well, what ive been up to lately? Not much. In fact, my daily schedule is driving me to the walls. My enthusiasm is starting to wear out. Which is just normal when you do the same things over and over again. Eveything becomes robotic, mechanical. Then it gets to a point that you just start to hate what you're doin. Eventually, you just want out.

Ok, ok. Im using a second person (you) cuz subconciously i feel this wearing-out-of-enthusiasm but I dont really entertain it. Im fightin for that piece of passion to stick. Or at least maintain an amiable tolerance on doing my work. And on dealing with people from work. Hmmmm.

Im really bad at sustaining my enthusiasm. When Im faced with a new endeavor, i pour evrything out. One time big time. Then ill be left with nothing but stress and indifference. Whacko am I, I know. Thats why if there's one value Im trying to acquire that will be consistency. And balance. (make that two things, then)

Whats alarming is Im also like this in a relationship. I give it my all in the initial stages, then as it progresses, Ive nothing more to offer. Then Ill feel really ridiculous. And start to feel insufficient for not coming up with new things to share, new emotions to spur. Ill start to crawl back my shell again and detach myself from the person, from the world.

It aint healthy and i havent come up with a solution yet. Im still at loss on how to stop this - syndrome, or whatever you may call it, but i know ill trip on the answers soon. At least I know the problem. At least Ive something to start with.

But all in all, I still love every bit of this journey. Its boring. But entertaining enough.

Interestingly boring. Boringly interesting. Life that is.

sixfiftyseven pm

some random thoughts...

2006-01-09T16:17:00.001+08:00

* im currently reading Sophie's World by Jostein Gaardner. its about a girl, Sophie, who finds two surprising pieces of paper in her mailbox one day. written on them are the questions : "who are you?" and "where does the world come from?"

its disturbing. drat!

* Scott, you look good, even w/ some dirty paint on. =) miss u.

* hey, doug! whats up?

* which should i see first, Narnia or Family Stone?

* i feel like im losing a friend, dexter, to a new girl. just miss the guy, i guess.

* what the hell am i doing in the office today?

* hohuuuum im bored.

* BORED.

fourthirtyseven pm

Where Im at......

2006-01-09T16:07:00.001+08:00

I feel like I am in this void. like, in between space... not here, not there...not floating..not grounded. not sad... not happy. neutral. actually, no, i feel way more grounded. way more clear. happy not in the soul jumpin up and down happy..but happy to have clarity...

but still searching for the purpose.

challenge is overwhelming sometimes. lessons deep and amazingly complex. like mazes to trot about in.. trying to find the best route. to get out? or to get more lost? to wander around cuz its fun?

I say I am good with change... cuz all my life I have had to endure constant change. hung out with sooo many different types of people. my views on life altering throughout. I do change well. shit I have changed so much this past year.

but sometimes change is painful...

I dont want to mutate into that which makes it easy.. or that kind of change that inevitably occurs from shifts in knowledge or shifts in true understanding of things.. sometimes i just want to play the dumb. to lay still with ignorance. to close my eyes. and sleep. =)

fourtwentytwo pm
januarynine '06

the thing is this doesnt make sense

2005-12-04T07:47:00.001+08:00

im pushing thirty and yet my mentality is that of an eighteen year old, my behavior of a twelve year old. i get scolded by my son for being playful and childlike. he'd say "i love to see you grow up, mom." and he's famous one liner- "behave!"- makes me jerk all the time. the world has probably gone nuts! well, its a welcome change and is actually a breath of fresh air for me cuz i love to be carefree and be looked after. yeah, yeah, in one of my entries, i claimed that i am fiercefully independent and i pride on being The Unbreakable. on not desperately needing someone. im still is. but then again i have the right to change my mind without your eyebrows arching. i am a big contradiction, a paradox, so ill change my mind whenever, wherever.

a lot of times i asked myself where my life is leading to. ive no definite plans. no goals. i can probably blame it to my father who've taught me not to worry about tomorrow. according to him, life should be taken one day at a time and savor things that matter. ive a parents who impulsively hits the road for a joyride at the wee hours of the morning, who laughs until they pee, and hugs incessantly. they chose not to engage in an 8-5 jobs instead they tilled farmlands and grew crops, that way they dont have to compromise their time. they lead a carefree, worryless relationship. they humor everything from passer bys to their snores.

i may not hit it big time in the corporate world cuz of my seemingly laidback attitude but who the hell cares?! im livin the life. ill grow old penniless but not miserable. when im old and gray i can proudly look back to my escapades, to the times i stopped by the park to smell the flowers, the sleepless nights spent stargazing, for being childlike and playful.

this entry doesnt make sense. but my life do.

eightfortyeight am
decemberzerofour 05

"If you accept that you can die any time, then you might not be as ambitious as you are."

disclaimer

2005-12-04T06:01:00.001+08:00

amidst the adversities and afflictions, I CAN ONLY SEE LIGHT.

Some experiences have left me battered, bruised, scarred and disillusioned. But never will i waiver. Never will i give up. Experiences may have corrupted my innocence in return, however, it gave me an impeccable enigma. I may have lost the child me. But I dont mind trading that for strength, peace of mind and faith.

Im more than loved. Im blessed. And Im grateful.

sixzerofive am
decemberzerofour 05

heaven on earth

2005-12-04T05:16:00.000+08:00

world in chaos

darker days

about to come

bloodshed is the gauge

war is the answer

turmoil everywhere

nowhere to run

in this unlit pavement

cant even turn around

animosity

double dealing

loathing

i let out a scream

i cried for help

i begged for mercy

a shudder came

no one answers

im all alone

closing my eyes hopelessly

never ending paradise

is what i see

there in that unconscious

world of imagination

lies a piece of heaven

momentary peace

artifificial refuge

superficial relief

here comes the void again

nothing but darkness

save me please

I DONT WANT TO BE HERE........

fivefiftyfour am

decemberzerofour 05

self consumed

2005-11-23T22:29:00.001+08:00

Wheew. Its been a long day in the office, us usual, and Im not complaining. Its the same thing everyday for the last couple of weeks- sleep, work, eat, work, eat, then sleep again (in that order). But believe me, I havent enjoyed myself like this for quite sometime now. Going to office has been indispensable lately, it is where i actually gather strength and sort of unwind. Yes, you read it right, its in the office where i get to unwind and entertain myself. More than the monetary equivalent, its the people and the fulfillment that i cant get enough of. Its indeed therapeutic. And addicting.

Was bit disappointed over the weekend, though, cuz Federer lost the Shanghai Open championships. But it was obvious that he'll lost early on. From match 1 he was strugglin. There were unforced errors left and right. And dismaying serves. He still is a great and mental player, undisputedly the world's no. 1, but sometimes something's gotta give.

Which actually made me remember one line: you have to see what you are not, to see who you are.

For the longest time, i was wallowing in despair over the lost love (not over of the man i lost). And longer than that, i always believed that i cant get on without somebody by my side. Cuz I may appear tough and invincible, but deep inside is a woman starving for recognition, affection and love. Ive always associated the importance of my existence on how my parents, or boyfriend or a friend treats me. On what they say. Or what they do.

Grateful that those days are gone. Constant disappointments, recurring heartaches, meaningless existence have pushed me to seek solace in my own self. I am my own prince charming. I am my own fairy godmother. No one will save me from the dark recesses of lonelines but myself.

Ive redefine the way look at myself. And rediscover ways to aprreciate my existence without wanting other's affirmation. Ive come to value the person I become. I enforce my own standards. I criticize my actions. I depend on my own decisions. Blame myself for indecisions. I still need to co exist and interact, which by far is natural. But never will i be broken into pieces again when somebody leaves. Or something do not turn out right. I am complete on my own.

Ive seen that i am not in need of other's love. I am in need of my own self's love.

I love you, yvette. I love you, world.=]

excess:

miss u lots, Scott! stay safe and smiling!
keep it up, Doug! miss u!
happy thanksgiving, guys!

eleventhirty pm
octobertwentythree 05

of buttered shrimps and wishful thinkings

2005-11-18T19:10:00.001+08:00

Had a decent dinner last night after a months' drought. My brother cooked buttered shrimps sauted in garlic and some herbs. Yumyum. I was so delighted and excited seeing our table neatly set up w/ table napkins and all. No champagne, though (Coke was a superb replacement, nways). Eating together has been a rarity cuz of our schedules; thats why dont blame me if i have to make a big deal out of dining w/ my brother.

We also had a much needed conversation. Real, engaging conversation. He had a lot of going-ons w/ his wife and job. That I feel guilty of not regularly communicating w/ him. BUt Id rather not divulge the conversation we had in the blog world.

So after the dinner, i hit the sofa, to watch for Federer's match. While waiting for the game to start, I switched channels to Discovery. Anatomical Travelogue was the program being aired- featuring moms giving birth. I suddenly felt my heart and stomach churn. With envy, i guess. Id really love to have another baby. Id love to relive that moment- even if it means going thru a hell lot of pain.

But

I cant get pregnant anymore cuz i had hysterectomy after I gave birth to Teej. Its a sad feeling. Knowing you cant bear a child anymore. But i try to look at it in a more positive way- that at least God provided me w/ one. And its gratifying enough.

Hmmmmmm.;(

excess:

I miss blogging. It hurts.

sevenfortyone pm
novembereighteen '05

WTH?!!!!!

2005-11-02T20:15:00.001+08:00

Ive been neglecting this blog page for quite sometime now due to an erratic schedule. I would love to write every single detail whats happening these past couple of weeks. But im too entranced and somewhat delirious that I cant even contain my emotions in writing. BUT, ill give it a try.....

To top the list of the recent delightful developments is the promotion I got from the office. Im too overwhelmed to even imagine that im accorded a new and more challenging postion. Thanks heavens! So, its understandable that I dont sneak-blog anymore.=)

Then, I recently moved to a new place. Its bit better than the old one and is more accessible. However, im still finding my way around the area. But im starting to love it.

I also met with Jensen to talk things out. No, we didnt get back together. Good grips. If there's such thing as final rendezvous then thats what it is. Evrything has been settled; Issues finally come to rest. He is now peacefully enjoying a newfound love ( the same girl, actually). And I finally succumb to my fate: spinsterdom. Hahahaha.

I dont know how to end this entry, really. Ill keep this blog posted as much as I can.

Im outta here.

p.s.

hey, scott! hope evrythin's rosy for u. id love to think so cuz we're oddly always on the same page, u know. miss u.=)

ditto for doug.=)

eightthirtyeight pm
novembertwo '05

amen

2005-10-15T14:05:00.001+08:00

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving. It only means that you allow that person to find his happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred & anger that you keep in your heart.

*got this piece of a quote from Izzie's blog page

twozeroseven pm
octoberfifteen '05

just another day in paradise

2005-10-15T12:14:00.000+08:00

One of them was the Philippines former vice president, aged 77. Three others were Roman Catholic bishops, one of them aged 80 and the two others in their 60s.

But not even the sight of Teofisto Guingona, the three aging prelates held aloft during the protest procession stopped antiriot troops from blasting them with water cannons last night.

*during a prayer rally in mendiola, manila

twelvetwentyseven pm
octoberfifteen '05

Tre ting... Three Things... 3sh

2005-10-12T16:05:00.001+08:00

I was answering this survey sent by my friend when I pulled up scott's blog and oddly enough, he has this similar "tre ting" post. I decided to post this and compound with Scott's "Three Things"...

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. yvette- pretty much to everyone
2. jo- my first name
3. betcha- to my family and close friends

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Mathematics
2. Unfaithful partners
3. Losing my vision- im scared of endless darkness

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Cellphone
2. Coca Cola
3. sleep

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. smile
2. sanity
3. baby cologne

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Nickelback
2. RHCP
3. Oasis

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Knocks Me Off My Feet
2. Bitch
3. She will be Loved

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A FRIENDSHIP:
1. warmth
2. cuddling
3. treats

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. Chastity is my war cry
2. Im intoxicated with freedom
3. I need a boyfriend

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. height
2. grunginess
3. clean nails

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. blog hopping
3. star gazing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
1. talk to my son
2. run away from... everything
3. be cuddled

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Palawan
2. our farm
3. Bali, Indonesia

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
dont bother me with this; i cant get pregnant anyways

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. secure's my kid's education and future
2. meet a humorous partner and spend our days with laughters and fun
3. write a will

THREE WAYS YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I dont wear skirts
2. I never played with Barbies
3. Im good with guns

THREE WAYS YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I dont swear
2. I change my outfit at least 3 times before I leave my room.
3. I swoon

Scott's Three Things.....

THREE RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MY CLOSET:
1. during bad days, i sleep inside it
2. my closet is made of wood and after years of being utilized, it still smells of paint and varnish
3. that my clothes are actually kept on clothbags- not in the closet

THREE ITEMS IVE NEVER WORN BUT HAVENT TOSSED
1. bunch of undergarments
2. black plunging, lacey blouse from my sis
3. my ultimate evil plot

THREE THINGS I WILL NEVER GET RID OF NO MATTER HOW UGLY THEY GET
1. friendships
2. life's experiences
3. my own person

THREE ITEMS THAT PEOPLE WOULDNT EXPECTTO FIND IN MY CLOSET
1. boxing gloves
2. candy wrappers
3. law books

THREE ITEMS THAT MADE ME GO, OH LORD WHAT WAS I THINKING
1. an electric blue shoes
2. text messages from my ex bf
3. picture of my ex bf

THREE THINGS I HAVE A SURPRISING NUMBER OF
1. white shirts
2. pens
3. falling hair!!!

THREE DOMINANT COLORS ON MY CLOSET
1. is white a color? ive lots of white stuff in there
2. and black, too
3. brown

THREE PEOPLE I WILL TAG
cant think of any... hmmm, you? =)

fiveeighteen pm

octobertwelve '05

miyu hojo

2005-10-08T10:10:00.000+08:00

Your Japanese Name Is...

Miyu Hojo

What's" your Japanese Name?

im not lucky. im blessed.

2005-10-05T19:52:00.001+08:00

Just got out from the moviehouse with Carol. We went to see Transporter 2. Jason Statham is still the only man that could make me, ummm, climacteric, without intercourse. Yay! Edit that! ( my MTRCB-bothered conscience screams! )

Bad stuff. The movie is way unreal for a film. You should see the stunts, dude. Its a total disdain to the intelligence of the viewing public. C'mon, heroes cant be THAT good, or at least unfazed and unappalled. Aside from the redeeeming presence of that nice, bullet- proofed Audi, it sucks. Big time. Hoo huum. Poor Jason. Come here, baby, I can give you an earth shattering....... massage?

Moving forward, yvette. Moving forward. After the movie, we dropped by a local fast food chain, thats not so fast, anyway, to get a fill. We both ordered chicken and salad. The girl who took our orders said itll take 15 minutes, 15 FUMING minutes, before they can serve our food. We said okay. Twenty minutes later, the order is still NADA. You don't wanna hear what happens next. Period.

In between the time we ordered and 20 minutes after, employees started to scrub-then-brush-then-wipe dry the floor. Others are busy dusting the window panes, the cupboards, emptying cash machines, auditing. I noticed how tired-looking these young people are- between 18-20 year olds. They work non- stop from 4 til 11 pm. I mean non-stop literally. That store is always jampacked and haywire. Long queues. Children on wild runs. Complaining customers.

The place falls short of a humane working condition. And these kids get below minimum pay. Most of them are still in school, trying to earn decent money to help them get by. I mean, the money they earn in a day is just like my 2hrs pay. And what, im stationed in the corner with a view to die for. With VERY light workload. As in. An hour before my shift ends, im bored to death cuz theres nothing left to do. I can tinker with the computer. I can drown myself with free coffee. I get a bonus every quarter aside from the perks, extras and commisions. I work in the nicest building in the central business district of the Philippines- AND I STILL GROAN, WHINE AND CRY UNFAIR!

I have the most supportive parents. Adorable son. Lovable brothers and sister. I have more than what i ask for. And yet...

This is such an eye opener. I suddenly feel ashamed.

This night didnt turn out to be boring after all.

onetwentyeight am
octoberfive '05

that thing called religion

2005-10-05T19:29:00.001+08:00

note from yvette: Pardon me for this post, Ive to appeal to the sensitivity of those who might read this in passing or otherwise. This is not to assail the Catholic church, but to explain to Dexter why I am dissecting the validity of our religion.

I was out with Dexter the other night when we had this healthy discussion about religion. I am never good in arguing verbally. I'd intently listen and weigh the contention sitting in front of me before I voice any objection or opposition. But the night was short for us to reach a consensus- so ive taken it upon myself to offer him my old journal entry as a response to his question. This entry was dated October 18, 1994- I wrote this down when after all my efforts to satisfy my spiritual yearning and craving for meaning proved futile.

MY RELIGION

What is it really?
That compels me to make the sign of the cross
This which makes me eat the Body and drink the Blood of Christ

Is it-
A calling or devotion
An innocent child's bedtime stories
Wisdom passed through the ages
Faith in the unknown
A voice giving inner strength
Man's quest to live ever after

Or is it just-
Tradition enforced;structure imposed
Stiff rules of morality
A re writing of history
A falling down the treacherous path to oblivion?

Could it be-
A vision of beauty giving hope
Certainty in a world of doubt
The rainbow shining after the rain
The staedy current of calm water
Inspiration and brilliance that man seeks?
Just as
a singer finds his voice
a writer finds his words
a painter finds his images

But then again, it may just be-
The monstrous lavishness and corruption
Grotesque creatures and customs
Martyrs tortured for lost causes
Ignorants hopelessly clinging to ideals
Eagles swooping down on their prey
The poor resting on their misconstrued contentment?

Is it a myth or the truth?
Is it love itself; love manifested?
Should we mortals made of flesh
Seek to know
Seek to find the light?

Or should we just to brush off these questions
And continue on kneeling before these images made of wood?

Dexter told me that the Bible shouldnt be the end all, be all of my faith. According to him, its just one aspect of my religion. What matters is that we keep a strong faith within our hearts. I beg to disagree on this matter. Because the Bible wouldnt be written down without a purpose. The book contains all that needs to be done; it answers not just the past, present but also gives a detailed account of what our future would be ( read bout the Revelations, man? ). We dont need to interpret it, because the Bible was structured and written with echoing simplicity. We dont have to read BETWEEN the lines; WE JUST HAVE TO READ THE LINES.

All Im asking is where did the Catholic Church based their teachings? Not from the Bible, I assumed. Never did the Bible mentioned about the Divine Trinity nor of celibacy neither did it consent about the images in our churches.

In Isaiah the Lord said, " These people claim to worship me, but their words are meaningless, and their minds are somewhere else. Their religion is nothing but human rules and traditions, which they simply memorized."

So what now, huh, Dex?

For now, i rest my case. ( my eyes and back, too. ) =)

twelvezerofive am
octoberfive '05

im running outta title.

2005-10-05T13:58:00.000+08:00

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

twozerofive pm
octoberfive '05

blog-find

2005-10-01T14:56:00.000+08:00

"Life and love are like hide and seek. People spend their whole lives looking for love, but when they finally forget to look for it, they find it."

tripped on this on one of the blogs. aint this the best way to define irony. but yeah, this is how life keeps us amused and entertained. no complains or whatsoever.

threesix pm
octoberone '05

for the sake of blogging....

2005-10-01T11:05:00.001+08:00

was busy sneak-editing my blog page yesterday just to accommodate that teeny bit of video screen. and, well, im not an HTML genius, but i did it! wheew. hehehe. its not a big deal, i know, but at least i had my mind and hands busy for a day.=)

on a more sensible note, had a night out w/ my friends, which i terribly enjoyed. (yer right, Doug. never did they think im a loser. that ex of mine is THE loser.) hit the sack 2am and woke up 4:30am cuz i have to be in the office before 7am- it normally takes an hour drive from my place to work. toxic. but i love it. slowly picking up the loosen pieces of myself again.

(note: im trying way tooo hard to write something cogent, but im disconcerted and buoyant, that only fragments combined with punctuations are all im producing.)

just need to make my presence felt in the blogging world. and i just have to re affirm (my belief) that im back on my feet and living my life like i never did before.

happy weekend everyone. stay safe, guys.

ps
this is more like me, ayt?=)

eleventwentyseven am
octoberone '05

but you can never forget. not entirely.

2005-09-23T14:59:00.001+08:00

Something to rant about: met up with the schmuck again!! stupid, i know. but....

Anyway, after seeing him, a single truth emerges: Once someone betrays you, you can never trust again. You can try to understand the reasons behind the double-dealing. Forgive it, even. But you can never forget, not entirely.

I have to be strong to stomach what I see in the schmuck. I only help myself by keeping an emotional distance by being cynical. Nothing surprises me. Nothing gets to me. But there's a difference between being strong and tough. I am not tough. Deep down Im still pained and affected by what he did.

There is no hurt like being stabbed in the back by someone you trust. It is so agonizing that it torments you to the bones. But then it is allowed to subside, so superficial relations can resume. In the months to follow, the absence of acute pain feels so good, that once in a while, you let smile be your own umbrella. And your friends, seeing you happy, relieved that you are no longer a loser, pat you on the back and take you out to lunch, and pretty soon you are your old self again....

providing the lying, cheating, unprincipled dork doesnt act up again.

yeah. some people learn. some never do.

sixnineteen pm
septembertwentythree 05

fix you

2005-08-31T21:09:00.000+08:00

just received a text message from arnelo. and it sure did make me smile... miss you, bebe. thanks for the friendship and the times spent together. lookin forward to chatting and laughing with you again.

i share this song with you too...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

the best revenge is living better, right?=)

ninefifteen pm
augustthirtyone '05

---------------

2005-08-29T09:09:00.003+08:00

I am me. I have not established a name nor claim to have untarnished reputation. Im not perfect. Though God has richly blessed me w/ a loving & supportive family, my life has seen so many ups & downs, w/ the downs predominating. Whatever I have accomplished thus far are the results of having great parents, lots of hard work & His help.

People see me as a vivacious person w/ a ready smile & seemingly carefree attitude. Some probably assume I have few cares cuz rarely do I show any worry. But like so many people, there is only so much I allow others to see. If only someone were to make geographical representation of my life, it would reveal mountains & valleys, meadows & plains I have traveled. There would be narrow paths lightly trodden & wide paths strewn w/ lessons learned. There would also be rivers & stream, even oceans of tears. I have struggled during the post-adolescent chapter of my life. & Such struggles persist to this day, from them I have drawn valuable lessons & incomparable experiences. Some have left me battered, bruised & scarred. I have been slow in comprehending what God is teaching me. & though I go through the same lessons over & over again, I can't seem to remember what I'm supposed to learn.

These day-to-day struggles I face bravely. Because God never gets tired of reminding me that everything I’m going through leads to a goal I may not see. Despite of my handicaps, God has lovingly guided me. Countless times, He has picked me up and assured me that there is nothing wrong w/ falling as long as I get up & move on. When everyone else has given up on me, God has held me in His arms & assured me that he would never leave my side until I reach the terminal goals He has set for my life.

After two failed relationships and a son in tow, I have become a better person. I appreciate the beauty of life, together w/ its tragedies & uncertainties.

God loves me- nothing is far more important than that. & that is all I ever need.

nineeleven am
augusttwentynine '05

easy as n-o, NO!

2005-08-29T09:07:00.000+08:00

i find it hard to say no. which i believe is ironical cuz there are two cut out choices- yes and no. of the two NO is easier to enunciate. plus its shorter and unvoiced. so i really dont get it why id prefer saying yes, when i really mean no?...

also, i dont know whats with YES that makes it more acceptable. and how it earned positive effect. guess i have to blame my elementary teacher who taught me euphemisms.

cuz when i think of it, if only i used NO more often, i could have not gotten myself to, well, "compromising situations".

tenthirtyone pm
augusttwentyeight '05

for the love of DRAGONS

2005-08-27T15:07:00.000+08:00

im moving out of the team, and its breaking my heart. its so hard to leave my "family" behind. yeah, i know that goodbye is as much a necessity as hello, that the time has come to say goodbye. ive no qualms on starting out a new. cuz ive to move forward. we all have to move on. but then if only we have given the luxury of time, ill do everything to just stay with the team.

well, this just come to say ill be missing you, dragons. terribly. love you, guys.

threetwentyone pm
augusttwentysix "05

my fascinations... i.e. addiction

2005-08-26T11:30:00.000+08:00

**food

- red ribbon's chocolate mousse- my daily dose of sin
- urban chef's ham sandwhich - cant start the day witout it
- mint tazo of starbucks- simply addicting
- oishi's cheese nibbles- better than planters cheese sticks
- tokyo tokyo's california maki - more than a staple, its a necessity
- grappa's italian something pizza and their white spaghetti - hmmmm, delicioso! - yoshinoya's green tea and teriyaki
- kwek kwek and penoy s kanto
- my mom's cooking

**caprices ( where most of my money is spent )

- orange salon, for the following:
super relaxing aromatheraphy and body spa
envirogating foot scrubs and pedicure
homey ambience
excellent customer service

- going straight hair salon
hair relaxing treatment
great treatment for falling hair
hair spa and regular hot oil
shampoo and conditioner

- hypoallergenic soaps
- revlon's 3-in-1 make up
- kenneth cole's mocassin
- signature long sleeves and blouses
- long bus rides
- staying late in bed

** people

- teej, my kiddo
- dragon peeps, my team
- paulo coelho
- my sister, janis
- gloria arroyo, our president ( im fascinated w/ her nonchalance and insensitivity; but i salute her for standing her ground- even if it results to unpopularity.)
- terrorists- just wondering what goes on inside their heads

ninetwenty am
augusttwentysix '05

didnt know...

2005-08-23T08:28:00.000+08:00

I was alone thinking I was just fine
I wasn't looking for anyone to be mine
I thought love was just a fabrication
A train that wouldn't stop at my station

Home alone, that was my consignment
solitary confinement
so when we met I was flirting around you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you

I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for loveuntil I found you

Cause there you stood, and I would Oh,
I wonder, could I say how I felt and not be misunderstood
A thousand stars came into my system
I never knew how much I missed them

Slap on the map of my heart you landed
I was coy but you made me candid
and now the planets circle around you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you

I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for loveuntil I found you

So we built from here with love
the foundation
in a world of tears
one consolation
and now your here
there's a full brass band playing in me
like wonderland

And if you left I'd be 2 foot small
and every tear would be a waterfall
soundless, boundless I surround you
I didn't know I was looking for loveuntil I found you

eightfiftyeight am
augusttwentythree '05

ANGRY NO MORE

2005-08-19T14:04:00.001+08:00

I woke up with a life-saving realization- that I am angry no more.

When my kiddo’s father and I parted ways, I was angry, betrayed and disconcerted. I was in extreme pain and deep hurt. Not that I love the guy to death but more of disbelief that it is really happening. How could he? So I started to hate men in general. Well, hate is such a weak word; I literally abhor mere sights of them.

Being the passive person that I am, instead of venting out, I bottled up the anger inside. You could just imagine how hard it is to put up a front each time I bump into a guy friend, much more seeing couples publicly displaying affection. Cuz I know behind those meek looking façade are wolves out on a run. Needless to say, I am infuriated, bitter and disillusioned.

Then I met Jensen, who was in a relationship that time, thru mobile text-ing. That went on for a couple of months. Until we both realize that we want to be more than friends. And it was too late to turn back and walk away. So, we took the plunge.

How ironic can this get, right? I become the wrecker, the intruder, the other woman. Yeah, they are not married but a couple nonetheless. But hey, it was not easy. I did everything to put an end to that affair. Ask Jensen how many times I said goodbye. And how many times we end up running back to each other. At this juncture is when I realize that I judged Jun too soon. (I am not saying it is okay to philander… that’s another story, of course!) That are there things beyond our control. Such as getting attracted and falling in love (not to mention men’s uncontainable libido, another story too).

To make it short, Jensen and his girl broke up, which officially made our forbidden little affair legal. Little did we know that our dewy days will not be for long. Probably, because of my chronic insecurity brought about by the betrayal from my previous relationship, I was always dubious of him. Not to mention the personal issues I had not dealt with. He turned and looked for another’s affection. Consequently, he settled for the warmth of the other girls’ embrace. My intuitive nature signaled that it’s time to move my butts out.

In the two instances, I called it quits. I gave them the easy way out, off the hook. No explanations, no yelling, no confrontation. Just goodbyes.

I am all alone. But believe it or not, the experience gave me a positive outlook on love, and in men. I am now overflowing with faith and hope. That one day, one man, would knock me off my feet and deliver me to our own paradise. In our own love story.

God provided me with the answers to my questions. No, He did not appear on my dreams saying all of these. Nor he came knocking on my door with explanation. He let me experience the two sides of the story. With all the trimmings- joy, fun, pain, tears. I was face to face with insanity because of my inability to comprehend what He’s teaching me. He allowed me to figure the answers without any divine interruption. I was slow, yeah, but God’s love ultimately led me to realizations.

The anger that took the better of me, at first, is also the same anger that pushed me to love again. And eventually get hurt again. That anger, is the reason why I am contented and happier now. This is the upside of anger. How better can it get?

augusteleven ‘05
Ninefortynine pm

july's series of fortunate events

2005-08-19T13:57:00.001+08:00

july 02

spent the afternoon with the motley crew at megamall; had some hunger-quenching ihaw-ihaw and puto. as usual, the get together was spent in our never-ending discussions and arguments. what can you expect especially when ady and rej is around?

after the late lunch, went straight to glorietta ro meet up with arnelo. had a light snack at mc donalds, which was highlighted by our ethereal conversation- from our families to his and mine's love stories. arnelo proved to be fun and engaging company.

we hit cable car at 7pm, for pearl's bday bash. it was a night full of videoke and ..... videoke pa din.=)

hit the sack with a smile at exactly midnight.

july 03, olongapo city

gave in to rej's prodding- to accompany her all the way to olongapo just to meet oliver! haay, woman in love talaga. nways, left manila at 10:30 pm ( can you imagine how late that is!!!!) we literally had to run after a bus; reached bataan at 12:30 am. the tiring trip was rewarded with the nicest place ive been in a while- subic bay's boardwalk!!!! spent the night at the seashore under the calm, night sky. nothing compares to watching the sunrise!

july 09, cabanatuan city

going home, of course, is always a big event.. i look forward to my son's warm embraces and pangungulit. seeing him recharges my weary body. his wild laughters calm my aching mind. my son simply completes me.=)

july 10, st luke's hospital

i still consider mama's hospitalization as fortunate- cuz she was cured of her abdominal pains and bleeding. it was also a time for the family to bond and be together. i hate to admit but my folks are getting older. ive always thought af them as invincible and formidable, that no amount of trial nor hardship could make them weak. but seeing mama in a hospital bed and papa beside her makes me want to weep... enough!

mama is given a pink bill of health and thats what matters most.

july 14, thea margauritte

a day before my birthday, my niece was born. boy, oh boy! we are all just excited to welcome her.

july 15, my birthday

reported back to work after a week's absence (what timing could be more appropriate, ryt?). i was welcome by warm greetings and cries for treat.

after work, went back to the hospital to look after garie cuz meg's too weak to even stand up. my brothers surprised me with a dinner, and a night out at zirkoh. toyik even took me for a stroll on his bike. it was a blast and whatever longing i had for- well, you know who- disappeared. my sis and i even had a nice talk over phone in the eve of my bday.

july 23, mixed up sched

accompanied villy for lunch at nsg; where he pour his heart out bout the rumor and his side of the story. i just feel bad for not being a friend to him during his trying times. we also attended teths's bday in taguig, where i had fun, as ususal. we had coffee at greenbelt before i went home.

july 24, cabanatuan city

surprised my kiddo with a gba! how happy he was!

whhheeew.

julytwentyseven '05
eightfifteen pm

upload test succesful...

2005-07-27T10:54:00.000+08:00

nothing to do...

yaaawwn

2005-06-30T20:58:00.001+08:00

after a deeeeep slumber, peeps, im back! as if anyone noticed my hiatus....

just feels good to be back. life indeed has a lot more to offer... a chapter which provided me with immeasurable lessons has concluded. ive emerged a better person. no reason to be bitter nor lonely, evrythin happened for a reason. cant help but look forward to a brighter and more challenging tomorrow.

god is good aaaaalllll the time.

junethirty'05
ninezerosix pm

turning back

2005-06-09T13:14:00.001+08:00

All things must end after all.
The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.
Goodbye is as much a necessity as hello.
Step out that door you've been staring at for so long.
Bid farewell to that warm little spot you had with a view to die for.
Close the door behind you.
Dance to a new tune.
Sing another song.
Burn those letters and bury the dried flowers because love,
bound by contracts or otherwise,
has to end sometime.

junezeronine '05
onethirtyseven pm

tips to live by

2005-06-08T13:38:00.000+08:00

Don't date because you are desperate. Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend. Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.! Don't regress.

Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/MrsRight.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill. Find a new friend. Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it. Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU. It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.

Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions. Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life.That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E
because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

jenpot, you sent this to me. try practicing these for yourself, k. love u! mwah! =)

junezeroeight '05
onefiftyone pm

jel chu

2005-06-08T13:32:00.000+08:00

this blog is entirely for you- JELAY!!!

for being your hyper self....
for always reading my blogs and leaving comments.....
for your infectious attitude....

love you, my sister in christ!

keep rocking!

junezeroeight '05
onethirtyfive pm