January 29

Wish you were here. Or I was there. All wishful thinking.

Happy birthday.

Stupid

Why do i always associate myself with complicated people?

mindwanders 1

Weekend Affair with Theodore

Theodore and I agreed to spend every other weekend on the road or on a trip This is officially first of our mom and son adventure :D

never trade what you want at the moment for what matters most and for what would last a lifetime...

augustfifteen '11

fourfiftysix pm

LSS: Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me...

Young and full of running,

tell me where is that taking me

just a great figure eight

or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing

but a dream that keeps waking me

For all of my trying

we still end up dying;

how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me

'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.

There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running

all the way to the edge of desire.

Steady my breathing, silently screaming

I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired;

think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.

Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis

and find me on yours.

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me

'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.

There, I just said it I'm scared you'll forget about me.

augustfifteen '11

twelvetwentytwo pm

Happy?

Happiness for me is living a rich, full, meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions, both pleasant and painful.

Negative emotions have evolved for a reason. Fear signals danger. Disappointment teaches you can't always have something just because you want it. Grief forces you to accept. Blame allows you to humble yourself. Then there's sadness, anger, apathy. They may not be pretty, nor popular, but in small doses these negative feelings can be good for you.

You can never really experience happiness until you've felt it's darker twin - sadness. So it's really important to be clear about your definition of happiness.

augustfourteen '11
fourtwenty pm

Take a Load Off!

an article from Women's Health, August 2011

Dumping your baggage can actually improve your health. "A stressful relationship can have harmful consequences such as sleep problems, depression, high blood pressure, ulcers, anxiety, difficulty with memory and trouble focusing" says neuro-psychiatrist Louann Brizendin e, M.D. High levels of the stress hormone cortisol and figh-or-flight hormone epinephrine contribute to the symptoms.

Severing your ties with a toxic ex is the first step toward reducing your body's stress reaction, but it's also critical not to carry these stressors into your next romance. The good news is that once you've ditched the guy and unloaded the baggage, all the medical issues stemming from the experience will unlikely subside. However, they could come right back if you get into another unhealthy union, so recognize your relationship patterns to prevent a relapse.

Doctor's orders!

Kaya pala hindi na ako nagvevertigo! Hahaha!

augustfourteen '11

tentwelve am

Back to Work!

Two weeks of being miserable is enough. The pain lingers but it has mellowed three-folds. Am I over? Maybe yes. Maybe no. All i know is i'm not hurting as much as I do before. I will always miss the good times - but those good times are where they are supposed to be - in my treasure chest of memories.

Just like the guy - he is where he is supposed to be.

Done with wallowing in self-incriminated pain. Done with the drama. Done with the sadness.



Sumisikat na ulit ang araw. Sayang ang ganda ng araw kung malulungkot pa ako. Bibili na lang ako halo halo na may ice cream para chill! :)



back to work! back to work!

augusttwelve '11
ninetwelve am

bored and blah

augusteight '11

sevenfortyfive pm

wishful on a monday

For me, lifelong love is not all butterflies and rainbows. It's a million ups and downs, with ups far outweighing the downs. It's falling in love over and over again with the same person, each time finding something new to marvel at. It's about honestly liking the future you see with each other.

It's about willingness to share triumphs with that person, the same person you want by your side when things go wrong. It's about looking forward to more days together, while wondering what new inside jokes you'll have. It's about being excited growing old together, witnessing more laugh lines in each other's faces as years go by. It's about sticking it out and accepting each other for the person they are.

Lifelong love is about being together for love, respect and commitment.





augusteight '11
tenthirtyfive am

let me please just breakdown...

V Day Blues...

Today just sucks...

This is one of those days when I sorely miss having someone in my life. Someone to celebrate heart's day with, someone whom i can be sweet and loving to without second-guessing where my boundaries are...

Ang pathetic nga eh, i dont want to go out or even mag bukas ng FB, i dont want to see, read, hear couples professing their love for each other, mga cheesy thoughts na sobra nakakakilig, na lalo lang makaka aggravate sa pagself-pity ko. hahaha. ang pathetic ko talaga today.

I guess what's really shove me to this mood is the thought that i want to be in a realtionship pala, na i want to get married din pala. I have been seeing men surprising their lady love with a ring and the 'will you marry me?' question... and believe it or not, i cry my heart out everytime i see/read those moments on tv or magazines... parang ang sarap sarap magmahal. ang sarap to be with the person who is willing to take chance on life with you. someone who's committed to grow old you... someone who'll overcome fear with love, someone who'll overcome fear with the excitement to be with the one they love for the reat of their lives.

Relationships are hard-work, bonds that are work on progress. Pero who really cares what challenges lie ahead as long as kasama mo yung tao na nagcomplete syo? No journey can be more exciting, fulfilling, worth it - than the journey of two people in love.

One day, my prince charming will come. Once day, God will give me what is rightfully mine.

For now, tiis tiis muna. What is 1 day of wishful thinking to 364 days of happy, funfilled, content singlehood?


Happy heart's day everyone!





february fourteen '11
onetwentytwo pm

I see the couple are walkin` by
Feel like I
Don`t wanna be alone today
So glad no one can see what I hide
Deep inside
How it feels to be
The girl who never gets the right guy
Tell me why
When there`s so much I`ve got to give
I wake up reaching out in the night
Ready to hold him tight
`Til I realize
That nobody is there

When will it be me?
When will I be the one
Somebody`s dreaming of?
When`s it gonna be?
When will I find my heart
Lyin` inside the arms
That never let me go?

I`d really like to know
When will it be me?

My friends seem to have all the love
(Feels like love.)
Knocks on their door and walks right in
I know that I am worthy of what I`ve been wishing for
I can`t wait no more
Love`s nowhere to be found

Feeling his tender touch
(Lying in his arms.)
Talkin` bout forever together
Givin` him all of my love
That`s been trying to break free

Don`t wanna be alone
No more
I`m telling you what I need
I want someone who loves me for me
And when will it be?
Wonder when will it be?


I ask myself
When will it be me?



februarythirteen '11
threethirtythree pm

One Day I'm Gonna Feel Again...

i believe that in time my heart will heal again
and i believe that in time my heart will feel again
so i keep on holding on
so i keep on being strong

cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again
i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again

i believe that this heart of mine can make it through
and i believe that my heart can make it over you

so i keep on holding on
so i keep on being strong

i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and though it's hard for me to breathe
and even harder to believe

i know that one day i'm gonna find
i'm gonna be just fine
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again

i know one day i'm gonna feel again
and i know although my heart hurts now
i'll find a way to get up off the ground
cuz i know one day i'm gonna feel again




augustthirty '10
eightfortyfour pm

Tingnan mo nga naman...

i was expecting years before i recover from the recent HB, pero tingnan mo nga naman... 5 months is all it took. yahoo. woot woot.

in my previous heartbreak it took me 5 friggin years to comprehend the reality of my situation. 5 years before i learned to accept that there are things that cannot be. 5 years of crazy roller-coaster ride...


im just glad that it didnt take me that long in this case. i definitely learned my lessons well. finally, graduate na ako sa high school! :D


im ready for the next level.



so bring it on!









augusttwentyseven '10
fourfiftyone am

Fresh Start...

saw this article on O mag... just wanted to post to serve as an inspiration and reminder that life indeed moves on... happily and peacefully...

and the decision to do so can only come from within. it's a choice, a vow that i intend to keep no matter what.

"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life...

A frigthening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...

And onward full tilt we go,

pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything,

to make good on a new shore.

To be hopeful,

To embrace one possibility after another -

that surely is the basic instinct...

CRYING OUT LOUD: High tide!

Time to move out into the glorious debris.

Time to take life for what it is..."

Barbara Kingsolver

from High Tide in Tucson

augusttwentyfive '10

fivetwenty pm

one day...

i want to love again...
pero my heart is broken now, and i have to fix it. i need time to fix it. para pag nagmahal ako ulit, yung buong buo, yung walang limit, all out. the same way i loved ian.

i want to belong again...
pero right now i need time to be with myself, to be myself so that i can be whole again.

i want to free myself again...
i want to be the best person i can be, i want to be the right one for the man i'll be spending my life with. at hindi pa ako yun. i want to free myself of all the hurt and pain i felt for losing ian.

i know it will take time, years probably, before that time comes. but when it comes, when he comes, ill never let him go.


seventwentysix pm
julynine 2010

Tough Day

this is one of those days when my mind cant rule over the spirit...

i just feel empty. parang wala ng drive, naubos na yung passion. i know this will pass - but for today im letting myself be. i am melancholic. i am depressed. i am frustrated.

and it's welling up inside. sobrang malungkot.

im a firm believer that the best strategy in life is honesty and giving it all you've got -

why?
because you feel better about yourself
you make other people happy
you develop a reputation
you are trusted
and many other...

but sometimes. like today, sobra lang nakakapagod. minsan masarap lang yung you dont have to worry, wala ka gagawin cuz someone is doing the worrying for you, and for a day rescue you from distress and pain...

but yeah that's not how it is. you have to face life as is - without sugarcoat, without silver lining.

and accept that some people are nothing but BS. they drive you crazy, they suck all your energy, and make you feel like worthless in the end.

the world is not fair. but i am be fair to myself, i treat myself with respect - and the world will see me rise above my frailty.

i could use a hug. or kahit isang suha lang.



mamaya ok na ulit ang mundo. ok na ulit ako.





elevenzeronine
julynine 2010

Goodbye..

All things must end after all.
The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.
Goodbye is as much a necessity as hello.
Step out that door you've been staring at for so long.
Bid farewell to that warm little spot you had with a view to die for.
Close the door behind you.
Dance to a new tune.
Sing another song.
Burn those letters and bury the dried flowers.

because love, bound by contracts or otherwise,
has to end sometime.


julysix 2010
elevenfiftyfive am

Finally free...

I just closed another chpater of my life...

And I didn't expect it would be this easy. God has His reasons why it has to end...

---------------------------

Blogging has always been my refuge, my treasure chest of memories, good and bad. Every new post provides a sense of liberation, of freedom and of acceptance - I am myself through and through, without being offensive, without being defensive. I just let my feelings, thoughts and emotions out, without thinking how the world would react.

I am writing again to chronicle my new horizon.. my life's travails and journeys. I want to express myself freely, the best way I know how.

One day, my Mr. Big will come, and I want my blog to be my companion until he finds me =D




julyfive 2010
fourfortyfivepm

The Legacy

When I die,
give what is left of me to children.
If you need to cry
Cry for your brothers walking beside you.

If the sun should rise And find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
Put your arms around anyone And give them what you need to give to me.

I want to leave you with something...
Something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people.
And if you cannot live without me,
Then let me live on in your eyes, your mind and your acts of kindness.

You can love me most by letting hands touch hands and letting go of children that need to be free.

Love does not die - people do...
So when all that is left of me is love...
Give me away...

finally give up waiting

thanks mhai. you just dont know how thankful i am for your wonderful friendship. you always made sense in the dept i sucked the most.

thanks so much for being impartial. for making me see things on a higher plane. for always pointing to what really matters most.

for the unconditional love. thank u so much.

eighteleven pm
decembereleven 07

letting go... again

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

-- Author Unknown

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

-- Author Unknown

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.

-- Author Unknown

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.

-- Sylvia Robinson

sixfortytwo pm

decemberten 07

lost

I have been meaning to put down in words all that I am feeling inside. But no words can seem to approximate what I wanted to write.

Just like these words, decisions have been elusive. Fear is taking over. Like some powerful force that no warrior can defeat. Fear of being ditched again, fear of being left behind, fear of being rejected.

There are times when I feel mighty strong, as if I have the world for the taking. Days when his embrace is all that matters. Days that I pray will have no ending.

Then there are days like these. Days when I feel most coward. Days when I wallow in self-pity and binge in pain. Days when I’m flooded with questions. Days when I drown in confusion.

Just to set the record straight, he is one of the best blessings God gave me. He had been a constant source of inspiration and happiness. When I’m with him, the world stops, and turns into a paradise where peace of mind and love overflows. I learned a lot from him. He taught me things to make me a better person.

But when reality sets in, everything comes crashing apart.


I feel all alone. What should I do? Where should I go?


Can somebody just please take me home?
(samahan na din ng 6pcs nuggets at fries with mayo)

ninetwentyfour am

decemberfive 07

japan

i probably read it all wrong. akala ko kasi, the reason why he's back is because narealize nya na mahal nya ako. eh shunga pala ako for thinking that way eh.

a high grade in pshycho doesnt guarantee you of interpreting things right. dpat talaga pala kay madam auring ako nag OJT, bka sakaling may napala ako.

sige, sige. pupunta na lang ako sa Japan, malaki kita mga entertainer dun di ba?

kesa naman dito. haay. maalikabok pa.


isang beses pa, yvette, at ikaw na pinaka engot na nilalang sa buong face ng earth.



hmmp. makauwi na nga. sayang ang oras ko.



twelvefiftytwo pm
novembertwentysix 07

hopeless

naiiyak na ako sa katangahan ko. bakit ba andito na naman ako. can somebody please inject some sense into my head?

im so tired.
im so tired of being just an option.
im so tired of being just someone else.

i want someone better.
i deserve someone better.
i deserve someone better.



hush, heartbroken me. you'll be fine.



Fifay, bilis na, bigyan mo ako ng boylet.





seventhirteen pm
octobertwenty 07

Free To Choose

This was sent by my Boss when I need the message the most:

In his book Nobody’s Victim, Christopher J. McCullough explains, "In order to live your freedom, you must first accept reality. ‘These are the choices, and given those choices, which do I choose?’ Whether the option you select is pleasant or painful does not alter the fact that, given reality, this is your preference.

"To live your freedom, it is helpful to stop and ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing this?’ and then notice whether, given the options, you are choosing what you really want, or whether you want to choose something else.... Sometimes the exercise of freedom involves naming your poison -- all choices may lead to outcomes that are in some way painful. But the real pain is that of feeling powerless -- denying your freedom."

"Freedom is man's capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mold ourselves."
-- Dr. Rollo May

"Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility."
-- Sigmund Freud

This is a prompt answer from above.

eightzerofive AM

octobertwentytwo 07

kilig days are here again...

state of cheeks: B L U S H I N G
state of heart: doing somersaults
state of emotion: zenith
state of mind: afraid but hoping
state of foreign affairs: no foreign bodies found (hahaha)

sana lang di na ako magretreat this time.

oh well. kilig days are here again. ilang araw kya ito....


twelvezerofour am
octobersixteen 07

when it rains, it pours

*sigh*

- my grandma was diagnosed with the big C. that alone turned my world upside-down.

- lost my wallet, with all my id's and some cash. pero di un ang badtrip. ung unang letter ng anak ko for me was there. plus some really old letters from the past. haay.



buti na lang, umaaraw na.


eleventhirtyone am
octoberfifteen 07

isang gabi sa Valero...

todo shoot ng mga taong walang magawa...


ninetwentyseven am
septembertwentyone 07

my main man

siya lang talaga. wala nang iba.

septemberfour 07

twelvefiftyeight am

Revel Without a Cause

I revel in love…

I’ve been heartbroken twice and each left me bruised and battered. It is much easier to just stay away from another potential heartbreak and remain despondent, but what is life without risks? My faith has restored and redeemed my almost-hapless view on love. I will throw caution to the wind, and love recklessly as if pain doesn’t exist. I will soak in insanity and delirium, and get drown in amorous sensation – when I feel I’m ready to.

For now I have a potent romance with love- for work, friends, family, myself and to the sacred source.

I revel in singlehood...

Being single is my declaration of independence. It paved way for a convenient lifestyle, of being carefree and doing things on my own. It provided me with a new perspective and enthralled me with endless opportunities. However, being single, and a mother at that, entails huge responsibility and a good-head on top of my shoulder. There’s no hit or miss. Or else my kid has to suffer the consequences of my actions with me. And that’s the least I hope for. No complaints, though. I am living the life. I love being single. I know I’ll settle down one day. But until then I like it this way – my way.

I revel in challenges…

A lot has come my way: each demanding the best of me. There were instances when battling logic isn’t enough to comprehend the reality of a situation. There were times that I almost give up and lost hope. However, in every challenge I encounter, I never lose, I gain. I become better after each hurdle. I learned that even if we cannot change the reality of a situation, we can always choose our responses. And that is what separates us from the weak.

I revel in uncertainty…

I rarely worry on what tomorrow will bring. It can be scary when you don’t know what’s going to happen. But trying to predict outcomes or the future can sabotage our peace of mind. I learned to take each day at a time because I was told that the essence of our lives is in this moment, in the present. I live my life the way I know best and go on each day like it’s the last. Yeah, I still feel the fear in me but I go on anyway. It’s okay not to know because exploration is how we grow. It’s okay not to know the answers because most of the time, it’s the question that matters.

I revel in optimism…

Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear. What more our lives? A focus on goodness can not only change our lives, but perhaps the world. Optimism breeds optimism. Happiness breeds happiness. Emotions like love, gratitude and appreciation make us more expansive: we reach out to help others, and find creative solutions to problems. Good, positive feelings are self-reinforcing. When we are optimistic, we can’t help but flourish. Optimism creates heaven on earth.

I revel at everything that comes my way. I keep the good ones; discard the bad. But nonetheless treasure all of it.

I revel at how good my life is. I don’t care even if to others’ standards I don’t have enough. Because I think and live otherwise.

I am complete. I am contented. I am happy. I am not lucky. I am overblessed. No string of good lucks can sustain these.

twelveten am

augusttwentyeight 07

baby-no-more

I am being melodramatic again. I was browsing through my boy’s pictures and, how time flies! He is all grown up now. Slowly leaping out of my shadow and starting his own less-mom-world.

There are nights that I would just stare at his peacefully-asleep face. Or times I would tightly hug him, as if my hugs can prevent him from growing up. Days that I’ll miss out on work just to be mom the whole day. Weekends where we just rode buses and go out of town.

My son defines me. He is the measure of my success. Nothing matters in this world if not for Teej. True to his name, Theodore, he is a divine gift and so much more. He shielded me from sulking after a heartbreak; he provided inspiration when everything’s gone awry; he is God’s sunshine on dark and miserable days; he supplies me with gnawing laughter; he is my companion when I feel alone, my date on Valentine’s day, my masseuse when I’m weary, my prince charming on bad-hair-days. He rescued me numerous times from falling apart. It’s from him I experienced unconditional love. No matter how messed-up or f*cked-up I am, he stayed and accepted me without compromise. Next to God, Teej is the reason why I am the person that I am today.

A thousand days from now, he’ll be venturing into the same world that slashed pains, defeats and losses on me. I am apprehensive but, at the same time, confident that my son will come out of every challenge wiser. After all, only test of fire makes fine steel. I just have to rely on the principles we have instilled in him. I am a hundred and ten percent sure that his faith in God will lead him to thousand victories – in various forms. And be the best he can be.

I continue to better myself because that is what love is all about – striving to be the best person you can become for those whom you love. I am imperfect and would always be. But if there’s one thing I’m surely proud of, it’s providing an environment conducive for my son to achieve potential development. And if there’s one thing I’m best at – it’s motherhood, through and through.

tenfiftyeight am
july2007

woohoo!

The Starbucks guy just talked to me!!!!

Just when I thought im over with my delirium phase. Geez, I swear I was blushing. My heart skipped a beat and has gone berserk. I didnt even answer his question right. Darnit! Darnit!

Well, he just made my day!

doobeedoodoo.hmmmm.




eleventwentyfour pm
maytwentyfour 07

contagious

"In battle, a courageous spirit is everything. I attacked when their(enemies' spirit) was gone and ours was at its height. Hence our victory. The value of a whole army- a mighty host of million men- is dependent on one man alone: such is the influence of the spirit!"



Ts'ao Kuei
protege' of Duke Chang of Lu



elevenfiftyseven pm
maytwenty 07

In Mourning

It is with a heavy heart that I am leaving my hometown. My father lost in the elections. And I am mourning not his defeat but the people’s hope.

My father had long turn his back from politics. We surmised that he is too sincere to be in a battlefield of scheming opponents. And he felt that it’s not worthy to put his family’s safety and lives on the line.

Men and women alike were sobbing when the results came in. We fought a clean and straight fight, which makes it more unbearable. For more than a month, people shared their resources, volunteered their time and hardwork. Our goal is to fight and eradicate vote-buying, at least in our place.

My father is no big name in politics. I don’t even think his name landed on any national papers. But he has help changed countless lives for the better. He made his mark by offering honest and sincere friendship to the people who extended their hands for help. A lot of times he lacks financial resources but he made sure that he is with them at the most crucial and trying times.

I had always wanted a quiet life. Since I only have a son to take care of, I plan on retiring early. I am planning to build a nice house on the farm with complete amenities, and read, write and watch movies until my dying days. But it all changed.

I will work my ass off to save enough money to build a foundation for these people. I don’t want fishes on their table, what I want is to help them learn to fish. I want to help the children realize and attain their goals. I want our town achieve prosperity and independence. In my own little way, I know I can make a difference.

I am going to make this work. . . However small my contributions will be, I am going to make this work. And I am not going to wait until tomorrow. I am definitely going to make a difference.

Victory is relative. It depends on how we see and interpret things. I’d say, we lost in numbers but we definitely won loyal friends.

For that we are far VICTORIOUS than anyone else.

fourtwentyeight am

mayseventeen 07

ohh, sweetness

Work as if you don't need money


Love as if you've never been hurt


Dance, as if nobody can see you


Sing, as if no one can hear


Live, as if the Earth was a heaven







image from devianart/winter and wolf


twozeronine am
aprilthirty 07

I am an Elle Woods

Well, I'm no Reese Witherspoon. Neither a Harvard Law graduate, nor a blonde. But I have been discriminated against too. Not for being a blonde, but for being an unwed mother.

People don't say it straight to my face. But definitely they do behind my back. My ex-boyfriend won't even introduce me to his family because of my excess baggage. He made up some sugar-coated stories before he can tell his family about my, well, hideous past. He would highlight and exaggerate my accomplishments to win his family's approval. He made it a point to introduce me as the Cum Laude girlfriendf, the Law student girlfriendf but failed to let the 'real' girlfriend shine.

I also had a friend whose mother judged my whole being just because I am a single parent. Who blamed me, one way or other, for her daughter's untimely pregnancy.

I have been imprisoned by my fear of rejection, of not being taken seriously since I assume the status of a single parent. I, if not all unwed mothers, have been stereotyped as an easy lay. Men would actually pick single mothers for casual relationships. After a good sex, they can just leave you and expect you not to run after them. As if we don’t have any right, even to self-preservation.

I have been strict and hard on myself. I have consciously repressed myself of spontaneity, starved from spur-of-the-moments' foolishness. I am very reserved (not lady-like), a homebody, i didn't do booze(until recently), didn't smoke. I didn't even try weed, for the life of me. Well, I'm not saying that liberation means doing drugs. It's just that when I look back, nothing remarkable, off top-of-my-head, or even a singled-out instance of folly can surface. Nada. It's all goody-good. Or else people might think lowly of me.

I got knocked-up when I was nineteen, gave birth at 20, out of whatever relationship with my baby's father 3 years after. I morphed myself to a hermit by staying home just to make sure the baby is well taken care of. I stayed up countless nights to watch him sleep and made sure no harm come his way. I raised my kid alone. Well, with a lot of help from my family, but I did the working. i made sure there was milk for the baby, that he has nice clothes to wear, made sure that he goes to the best school I can afford. He learned taekwondo, played socceer, enrolled him to singing lessons. I bought and read books to him, bought him toys. But more than anything I made sure he was happy, smiling, warmth and loved. If you think that's easy, then think again.

As if raising a child is not enough, I also have to make sure I am well-kept. I was practically just out of the crib when all these happen. I am not even done with college when I had my son. Imagine staying up the whole night before attending your classes at 8am the following morning. Imagine doing my homework while breastfeeding the baby. Imagine senior year without any night-outs, without gimmicks.


I didn't stop there, just to continiously prove my worth, I went to Law school. I conquered Manila, looked for work. I started from the bottom of the Call Center Industry. The very first company I went even said I'm not good enough. I worked my way up to where I am today. It’s not that where I am is worth bragging. But it's all hard work and heartaches, i tell you.

It was all fear in the beginning. Fear of society's impression, of society's standards. Not anymore. I have long realized that the world won't stop from my sentiments. That I am entitled to the same rights accorded to other mighty people. I stood up because I deserve all the good things in life. I rescued myself back because my son deserves a responsible mother. Because we both deserve a nice place in this world. And nothing, or no one, can ever put me down. I owe it to myself, and to my God, why I am still here and nobody else.

People can say anything they want, they are entitled to their opinions like I am. Men can think that I am an easy lay for all they want. But never will allow fear get the better of me again. I will be mindless of society's criticism. What's important is I am a better person. I don't step on others' people shoes.

I have learned that the cardinal rule is to live life with passion, courage of conviction and strong sense of self. Everything else comes second.


If others think being an unwed, single parent is a disadvantage, well think again. For me it is power. Sheer power.


Geez, I feel like a superhero.

Perfect Day

There she stumbles
Falling to her knees
I think she tripped on reality
I have witnessed tragic comedies
That's the world in which she leads
Well I would walk a million miles
To give her all that she needs
But she would walk a million more
To do what she believes
She'll have a perfect day
Troubles blooming
Innocence now fades
But still she's dry through all the rain
There's no purpose
She has yet to crave
She's like the big dog on parade
Well I would walk a million miles
To give her all that she needs
She would walk a million more
To do well as she pleased
She had a perfect day
I can't figure this one out
I've no words here to explain
She'll just sugar kiss me off
She'll just have another perfect day








threetwentysix pm
apriltewntyone 07

work it out

Getting by and climbing up to higher life levels, require building new emotional muscles.
And just like with muscle growth, I would have to always feel the pain before I can see growth.


I feel this pain first hand -- and first heart.
Like the last time I broke up with an unsatisfying paramour
... in hope of finding a highly satisfying paramour.


Well, it as not until much later that I realized that this pain led to my emotional growth.


It just took time to build it. Darnit.


I just have to remind myself to remind myself
that the next time I feel emotional pain that I am LUCKY.
Because I am getting stronger.


Things are indeed improving --- although a lot of times, I don't see it right away.


It's like when your home is getting painted and it looked its utmost worst.
Total chaos.
However, underneath the chaos was RENOVATION IN MOTION.


And now because I am aware that painting action was leading to a more beautiful home-
I can start to relax,
to breathe easily,
to smile a bit,
accepting the chaos around me.


Life's messy areas are simply areas under construction.


Just like the painting process, my life's improvement process can't be rushed.
I can't paint on a wet coat.
I have to wait for it to dry, otherwise I'll keep on painting and painting and get nowhere.


Sometimes, we have to create our own good luck.
Be proactive - and even pre active.
We all must know when it's time to stop sitting around and relaxed,
you know, waiting for things to just happen~
instead, stand up and take life by the shirt collar.


I alone decide on my own the level of love and money and happiness I attract to myself.
So should you.





elevenfortyfive am
marchfifteen 07

cryinforhelp

I am breaking into pieces...

Everything seems to be falling apart right now.

I have been fighting for that last strand of sanity, of hope.

But the crisis im in is like a quick sand, gulping me fast to darkness.

A lot has been going on,

and I am having a hard time not to get affected.

I always shielded my self with optimism and faith,

but both seemed to be failing me.

I dont wan't to go back to those days when my heart is as cold as stone.

Days when hatred reign my life.

Days when I wallow in misery.

I want my heart to beat with love.

I want my life filled with hope.

I want my hands throb with compassion.

I want to see through.

I hope my faith sees me through.

Oh God, please give me more strength

Help me, please help me.

I am crying out for your help.

I know you have bigger plans for me than what I have for myself

You love me more than I love you

And that is reason enough, my Lord, to raise my hand upon you to save me.

Everything else will fail. But not you.

I will see through because of you.

eleventhirtyone am
marchfifteen 07

I believe

I believe...

* That money is a lousy way of keeping score
* That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be


I believe...

* That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best of time
* That no matter how good a friends is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that
* That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help
* That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love


I believe...

* That your life can be changed in matter of hours by people who don't even know you
* That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different
* That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do
* That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the one's to help you back up


I believe...

* That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel
* That either you control your attitude or it controls you
* That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself
* That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel

* That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are always responsible for who we become


I believe...

* That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they didn't love you with all they have
* That people you care about most in life is taken from you much too soon
* That you should leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them

I believe...

* That no matter how bad your heart s broken, the world doesn't stop from your grief

* That heroes are the people who do what has to be done, regardless of the consequences
* That maturity has more to do with types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated


I believe...

* That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever
* That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being
* That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be
* That we all can keep on going, long after we think we can't






ninethirteen pm

marchtwelve 07

rants&raves

R A V E S

• bonding time with my kiddo - never knew how grown up he was until our small talk over dinner
• business as usual in the office
• done with the annual report - wooohooo!
• Jinggay's promotion to QA and her training abroad - so proud of u bunsoy! u more than deserve what's coming your way! genuinely happy for you!
• had a long, peaceful sleep
• playtime with my niece
• long walks with Rej - mas masarap sya kausap outside the office
• chit chat with an ex flame - felt odd talking with him. tingles? zilch
• my cute red shoes
• massages
• movie marathons!
• good books

R A N T S

• slow internet connection
• inaccessible mPublic drive - driving me nuts. for real.
• bulges. cellulites. increasing weight.
• whiners in the office - *** zips mouth ***
• fight with my brother - emotionally exhausting.

just another blissful, worthwhile day.....

BaCK to bASiCs...

i am taking the bus again, goodbye cabs and the humongous fare...
i am avoiding Starbucks (um, trying still), even if it meant not seeing 'him'...
i am taking long walks again, even under the scorching heat (cm'on)...
i am starting to cook meals at home,um, the last one sits frozen in the fridge...
i am stargazing again, which i enjoy very much...
i am spending more alone time now, daydreaming, if not sleeping...
i am watching movies at home more, i realized that good movies are cute little treasures..
i am trying to find time to cross-stitch, though to no avail, but i will, i know...
i leave the office on the dot, to rest and spend time on the 'real world'...


i am appreciating life more. actually, i can't appreciate it enough...


ninetwelve am
februarytwentyfive 07